Maroon 5 - JORDI
Jun 11, 2021 (updated Jun 11, 2021)
10
The new Maroon 5 album “JORDI” sucks.

It doesn’t offend me, upset me, frustrate me, anger me, or anything like that - the only reaction I get from Maroon 5 is a hard eye roll and the phrase “this sucks.” There’s really no critique or clever insight or deep analysis that’s needed to get to properly review this album. That probably comes across like a base level, immature, shallow take, but there’s no other real description that comes to mind when I listen to this besides “Maroon 5 fucking sucks”. What’s really surprising to me is, despite everyone I know from hardcore music nerd to casual listener with broad taste seemingly agreeing with this statement, somehow enough people like them that they’re one of the most popular “bands” in the world, with an iron grip on the higher end of the charts and being played everywhere even though no one likes them and its impossible to catch a fan out in the wild.

Okay, let me try to write something with actual criticism, even though Maroon 5 is a band that needs it the least.

Believe it or not, I actually used to like Maroon 5’s first two albums (still do, but not nearly to the same degree). Back then, they had decently crafted pop-rock songs that didn’t sound like a shameless cash grab on modern pop trends, it sounded like the band actually cared about their musical output, and they actually sounded *like a band*. However, their second album didn’t sell nearly as well as the first, their third album did worse, and then the band resorted to putting out “Moves Like Jagger”, their original “sellout” song. Despite how bad that song is and how shameless of a move it was, however, I’d give anything to hear the band return to those days - at least they seemed to enjoy what they were doing, and if you turned your brain off enough maybe you could convince yourself that the song was fun. “JORDI” isn’t fun at all. “JORDI” is nothing.

Of all of Maroon 5’s attempts to manufacture spotify playlist ready pop songs that are too inoffensive to get the listener to change the song within the first thirty seconds thereby charting not from audience enjoyment but from lack of provoking emotion, “JORDI” is as explicit as ever. The trendy synth sounds, the generic beats, the millennial whoops, the trap beats, the choppy and simple melodies, the mountains of features that are utilized incorrectly on songs they don’t belong on, Adam Levine’s soulless singing and ear piercing falsetto, the overreliance on ad-libs like “ooh”, “baby”, and “yeah” so it’ll be easier to get stuck in listener’s ears instead crafting a well written song - “JORDI” is a soulless endeavor made to keep Maroon 5 on the charts long enough so people don’t realize they wouldn’t miss them if they were gone. On top of that, despite being a band of six people it feels even more than ever like the other members don’t exist. Maroon 5 doesn’t care about their own musical output, they care about keeping the money coming, having resigned to complacency and laziness. “JORDI” has no fun, no soul, no heart, stands for nothing, sounds like grocery store radio filler, and it doesn’t even bother to be bizarrely bad enough to be interesting or fun to talk about.

This is usually where I write a conclusion paragraph to summarize my feelings, but I got nothing else to say. This Maroon 5 album sucks.
9 Comments
Jun 11, 2021
lmao - grocery store radio filler is a perfect way to put it
Jun 11, 2021
@alpinecoast lol thank you
Jun 14, 2021
Great review. And it really SUCKS
Jun 14, 2021
This is the best review I've read in a LONG time.
Jun 14, 2021
rip maron five kil by badbaphmet from AOTY
Jun 14, 2021
@marvelgaryen @musicnerdd @TomBejoy damn y’all are too kind, thank you ๐Ÿ’š๐Ÿ’š๐Ÿ’š
Jun 15, 2021
YOU are kind I said "rip maron five kil by badbaphmet from AOTY" and you said I was kind that's lovely ๐Ÿ’๐Ÿ’๐Ÿ’๐Ÿ’๐Ÿ’
Jun 15, 2021
Another bullseye from BaddieBaphomet
Jun 16, 2021
@porpoise Bless Mr. President
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