I met Ted Cruz back in 2017. He had razor sharp nails, like needles strapped to his fingers, and he had fierce snake-like eyes, which looked like portals into the underworld. His skin was pale, and covered with a thin layer of mucus. I had seen him before, swallowing my livestock with one fell swoop of his jowls, but I had never seen him up close. I had always suspected that he was a lizard-human hybrid, but nobody believed me. I mean, how could anyone forget the 44 children he brutally slaughtered in Uzbekistan last month? How about the cannibal incident? Did nobody even bother to capture footage of this 5'10" ghoul feasting on human flesh? He was doing it out in the streets, I tell you! The only reason I'm still alive after meeting him is because I fended him off with a crowbar and a toothbrush. The toothbrush doesn't matter, but he bent the shit out of that crowbar. I had to smack him on the head a few times with it, and even then, it hardly bruised his thick skin. Not only that, but he reeked of Philly cheese steaks and depleting oil supply. Thank God he didn't try injecting me with his ivermectin. I would've been a lost cause at that point! Beware, because Ted Cruz could be anywhere, and you might just be his next victim.