I've been on this small alcove of the internet for a year now, so I think it's time for a celebration.
Just hopped off the plane from Cuba, was just paying 2pac and David Bowie a visit, but my birthday was just around the corner, so I needed to plan. I called my good friends Greg Harris, Kevin Parkers, and Mr. Stevens. I would invite Jenny, but she's been dead for years... I miss that sheep... Who cares though. I drove my Cadillac El Dorado to the supermarket, took a few creepshots of some blonde babes, and squid-legged my way to the bakery. And look who it is! Dick B. Long, my bully from middle school. What a prick he was. He used to stretch my chocolate starfish with his hot dog water in the locker rooms, but Limp Bizkit was not there to save me 😥 Damn you, Fred Durst... But I've coped since then by bottling up my emotions for years at a time, thank you Richard, for ruining the next decade of my life, piece of shit, rot in hell. ANYWAYS, as I was saying, I needed some cake, but which cake? The answer was obvious, hair cake, but the grocery store didn't carry that flavor, so I opted for a slightly less stringy slab of dough, a fresh chocolate cake, from the back, extra lettuce, if you catch my drift. I emptied my pockets of all it's pennies and quarters, a crumpled up Lincoln #5, and a used condom, passed the sticky wads to Dick-bitch and rushed my big boy cake back to my house. Greg should be arriving here any minute now, and Kevin will appear shortly too. Mr. Stevens told me he couldn't make it because his wife was in the hospital. I despise old people... ˢᵗᵘᵖⁱᵈ ᵈᵘᵐᵇ ⁱᵈⁱᵒᵗ, but I digress. I waited and waited, but my friends did not show up, tears were welling up in my eyes, and before I knew it, a knock on my front door. The tears vanished, and my child-like happiness returned. I turned the knob, swung the door open, and I saw "𝙴𝚟𝚒𝚌𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗 𝙽𝚘𝚝𝚒𝚌𝚎"... I blame Bezos for this, bald cunt. Disappointed, I slumped into my chair and put my dick in the cake. My friends never came by, and I was sad forever, good cake though. Wish me a happy birthday or I'll cry all night 🤬🤬🤬