Tonight, I did something I'd wanted to for a while. Listening to this album with zero distractions. I'd never been able to bring myself to do it - I've always had to be talking to someone (even on my first listen which only even happened because my friend amw100 told me to listen to this), eating, browsing the internet about anything and everything, doing homework - anything to partially distract me from the sheer, incomprehensible pain this induces. I've not been as terrible mentally for the past two or three months, so I thought maybe I could get through this without totally breaking?
Wow. I was wrong.
Lying down on a sheet on my cold wooden bedroom floor, the faint sounds of my dad's loud metal music playing downstairs, my sister and her friend laughing and the slow buzz of a washing machine began to disappear, as the opening acoustic chords of "A Quick One.." began to put me into a trance. I put my phone on aeroplane mode, knowing exactly what I was getting myself into. Towards the middle of Hunter, I began to almost feel sick. At first I assumed it was from all the Pringles I ate earlier combined with the damp rushing from my windowsill, but then I realised what it was.
It was a realisation of how much this thing truly reflects me in places, and how difficult that is to handle.
This isn't a musical album. It's a gargantuan behemoth of sound, ready to violently mangle any feeling of joy you may have currently had. As cliche (and potentially cringy), as this sounds, my mind has sounded like this during some of the most intense and painful experiences - the losses of friends and loved ones - be it temporary or permanent; personal and social insecurity; pressure to figure out what I'm doing as the end of my time in the required education system slowly comes to a close; my concerns for the world environmentally, politically and socially. Loud, monstrous, distorted but in a really sick way, cathartic. I'd obviously noticed this before, but this time the splitting resemblance hit me like a truck. Normally by this point in the album I feel an urge to cry. This time I didn't. More an urge to escape. Not the album itself but the feelings I tie to it. I couldn't decide whether continuing was a good idea, but I'd dedicated myself to this and I had to finish. After Hunter, the feelings of a collection of sound mirroring your inner demons began to fade a little. Still there, but I was able to turn my focus vaguely to a school project I completed recently. That was until Holy Fucking Shit : 40,000.
I gotta say, that song lives up to its title. My head must have repeated "holy fucking shit" at least 40,000 timea throughout the duration of that track, at an extremely bare minimum. The tortured vocals, painful strumming and nihilistic perspective presented throughout the first 3 or so minutes, which then becomes my absolute favourite shoegaze breakdown in any track. Clattering cymbals and a humming, persistent, groaning bass lead that track to its climax. After that exhilaration I felt like I was about to break. And I did. I couldn't stand to be locked to the floor anymore, and finished the rest of the album standing up, in a teary-eyed, existential trance, at the defused lightbulb on my ceiling (note to self : replace it).
Tl;dr - You haven't experienced Deathconsciousness to its full capacity if you haven't totally isolated yourself from everything through its runtime. Sorry for wasting your time with this irrelevant ramble, I just needed it out of my system.