Weezer - Van Weezer
May 7, 2021 (updated May 7, 2021)
77
With the recent tragic passing of Van Halen’s Eddie Van Halen, Rivers Cuomo of Weezer has decided to step up to the plate and offer himself as the next most epic guitarist. It’s quite hard to match Eddie’s skill, but Rivers let us know with tracks like Hero and his newly-grown mustache that he meant business. Some have speculated that the lip-based hairs mark the return of the legendary Red Album Rivers, my Hero, who has not been seen in public since the 2008 Grammy Awards. However, I believe that this is a new form of Rivers: Rivers Domo. He is called Domo because he dominates the competition, and similar to Red Rivers, the mustache implies a certain amount of kinkiness. I would know. Now, what if I told you that Rivers Domo is actually more powerful than Eddie Van Halen himself? That his schlong is even longer than that of the big dick prince of rock and roll? You’d probably ask me what’s wrong with me. Well, let’s start from the beginning.

I was staying in Boston, Massachusetts for my annual visit to The Hong Kong karaoke bar, the one on Chatham Street. Like most of Boston, it was bustling, but a lot less overwhelming than you’d expect. It was especially bizarre how chilled-out it was considering two of the most 100% equally respected rock musicians of all time were going at it on the front-stage: Rivers Cuomo (Hurley era) and Eddie Van Halen. I believe that the song playing was Livin’ On A Prayer by Bon Jovi, but the pair wasn’t paying attention. This was not an anthemic celebration of survival; this was a battle. “Panama!” screeched Eddie, his fingers twitching sporadically as he simulated his iconic guitar-playing. Rivers punched him swiftly in the jaw. “Say it ain’t so,” he replied, his glasses misty from crying. His beard, which was fully-grown at the time, was soaked with saliva in some areas, as if he had eaten curry like a dog. What a silly boy.

Mr. Halen stumbled to the ground, clutching his face furiously in his hands. Cuomo approached him slowly. Eventually, their noses were so close that, had Rivers still had his mustache, their lips surely would have collided. He gave Eddie 1 More Hit on the side of the head with a profound “hmph”, and spit a loogie on the legendary beaten soul. Suddenly the ‘90’s rocker turned to those watching, his awkward eyes locking with mine, as if I was his Precious Metal Girl or something.. He looked me up and down, and not wanting to get involved with this notoriously intimidating man, I walked my way over to the bar and sat down. Though I was across the crowded room from him, I could still hear Rivers yell “Sheeeeeeeeesh, I Need Some of That!” into the karaoke microphone.

I was deeply embarrassed. This man was married and had children! What was wrong with him? I quietly ordered my tequila and watched as the bartender, Sheila, prepared it. You know what they say: Sheila Can Do It. Unfortunately, the shenanigans from the previous paragraph were only the Beginning of the End. Suddenly, I heard a loud “zip” noise, followed by the screams of every soul in the building. By the time I turned around, tequila in hand, everyone was gone. Everyone except Eddie Van Halen, Rivers Cuomo, and the Cuom-Cock (his penis). My glass fell from my hand, shattering spectacularly on the ground, like in a superhero movie or something. The thing stretched from wall to wall like dough in a pizzaiolo’s rough hands. The girth was incredible, a total baguette of skin and blood, nearly spotless and smelling of lavender. I looked from the head to his other head, the one on his neck and shoulders. His eyes were crossed and his teeth were clenched and sweaty, as if he was exerting all of his power to lengthen his dong all the way to my face. “YOUR BOOBS ARE SO POGGERS,” exclaimed Rivers, his beard getting even wetter. It was unique from All The Good Ones I had ever seen.

My face was flushed and I’ll admit I was a little horny at that point, but then I looked slightly to the left of his meaty left thigh and laid my eyes upon Eddie Van Halen once again, who was bawling in the corner of the stage. As I squinted more and more, I noticed something. What I had just previously thought to be an oddly-shaped belt buckle was soon realized by me to be Eddie’s own penis, out in the open air. Somewhat small. Clearly not a lot of cum. Hairy, both balls and shaft. It was like staring at a strange, bulbous hamster making a little pog face. “I ALSO ENJOY YOUR TITS,” the guitarist screamed. He came prematurely. I looked Eddie in the eyes and shook my head disappointedly. I quickly fled the scene, tipping Sheila before skedaddling out the door. I could hear Rivers shriek as he extended his penis even further, and I could hear Eddie moan from sheer embarrassment, as if he had awoken from some sort of sad, Blue Dream. Though I could sense the vibrations from the Cuom-Cock, I knew it wouldn't be enough. Surely he would collapse from cardiac arrest, as all 4,500 milliliters of blood struggled to keep him stiff. I hailed a cab and returned to my apartment, and as I was whisked away I could hear them both roar “SHE NEEDS ME,” as they began to dick duel. They were nowhere close to The End of the Game, and I knew their battle would wage for centuries to come. I rushed to my apartment in the city and locked the door, knowing I would remember that experience for the rest of my life.

So, there you have it. Clearly, Rivers Cuomo has a bigger schlong than Eddie ever did, and therefore is more than worthy of the title of most epic guitarist. Thank you for reading.

9 Comments
1y
I actually felt a flood of relief reading the first few sentences, and then immediately felt my heart drop. Amazing review as always.
1y
You tricked me into thinking it was a serious review you fuckgigngngigj
1y
I am confuse
1y
What the actual fuck
1y
eddie had a bigger dong than rivers and i can prove it
1y
@ConnorDrumGuy i literally just proved otherwise but ok. are you calling me a liar?
1y
@Riskr im sorry for lying abt it being serious
1y
hi I literally just made an account only to tell you to go frick yourself. love your reviews btw.
1y
@nimmm this is the best comment ive ever gotten, thank you
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