black midi - Cavalcade

As some of you might remember, a few months back I posted a review of black midi's last project, Schlagenheim (https://www.albumoftheyear.org/user/halbery/album/153878-schlagenheim/), which detailed some tales of the many German teachers of my educational career. It wasn't a hugely popular review, but I had a good time writing it, so I'd like to do something similar for this review. Today I'm going to talk about my beloved middle school health class teacher, Mr. E.

Mr. E was a very tall, thin man. I do not know his age. He had very tanned skin and grey hair that was almost white. He talked in a booming, yelling voice at all times, like he was giving an overly-enthusiastic play-by-play for a baseball game involving fallopian tubes. I remember him mostly wearing t-shirts and pants, nothing very special. One time, during our unit on obesity, he claimed to have been obese the year before we arrived in his classroom. Keep in mind that he was extremely physically tall, thin, and physically fit, so this was very hard to believe. His old yearbook photos didn't help his case much either. However, I never got the chance to bring this up to him, and so his true weight remains a mystery.

He was a man of many talents. A health class game show host at times, and a live broadcaster the next. Mr. E had his own segment on the MSBC (Middle School Broadcast Center), titled "Motivational Monday". Every Monday during homeroom, we would have our regularly scheduled MSBC broadcast about school events and those kinds of things, but with the additional motivation. Mr. E would appear on screen, scream "GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD MORNING STAFF AND STUDENTS, WELCOME TO MOTIVATIONAL MONDAY," and most likely proceeded to read off posts from his favorite "inspirational quotes" Insta pages. I've heard stories of what he was like behind the scenes. Some even say they would see or hear him talking to himself before the broadcast started. It's very possible that he was regularly in contact with Jesus Christ, and that this was just one of many instances of their chit-chat.

Mr. E had some very unique takes on the subjects he was teaching us at age eleven. For example, he taught me that one hit from a marijuana joint was enough to kill a person where they stood, which I think I internalized. According to him, race is nonexistent and our skin color is simply our "Earth suit". I vaguely remember him following this up with "Obama is not black." I respect the idea he was going for there, at least. He told a story once of how a student walked into his classroom, said "'Sup, dawg" to Mr. E, and was ordered out of the classroom to wait in the classroom, where he was aggressively scolded for comparing a human to an animal. We were all in sixth grade at the time. He once implied that the word "emo" was a slur. We watched a video about how weed is evil and your friends will eat your mom's casserole if you let them do weed at your party. He once shouted "I can fly" and pretended to jump out a window (it wasn't very convincing) to impersonate what people are like when they've smoked the marijuana.

It's my genuine belief that Mr. E had never done any kind of drug, drunk any kind of alcohol, or even been in a room with someone who was. I believe that he learned everything he knew from the health teacher before him, who I've also heard many wacky stories about (apparently he was a driver's ed teacher on the side). He was a good boy. He was the staff observer for B.A.S.I.C. (a wonderful acronym forBrothers and Sisters in Christ), so you know he was the goodest boy. Was he homophobic? It's unclear. Was he racist? Also unclear. Was he fucking insane? Definitely.

Sometime in the last couple of years, Mr. E ceased teaching at the middle school. No students seem to know quite what happened. Some say he simply retired, but there are many rumors that he was fired. A few other teachers have been fired from schools in my years as a student, but this was one of the most mysterious potential cases. Why would he be fired? He was generally beloved by staff and students despite being so bonkers, so what could he have done? Then, I was sitting on the school bus, riding my way home after school, and I saw him. Mr. E was walking on the side of the road, and he had a dog with him. At first, I thought it was a wholesome 100 doggo moment, right? But as I looked closer, I realized: the dog was missing a leg. Then I remembered: what does Mr. E hate more than marijuanas? Dogs. I rest my case. Mr. E had been compared to a dog once again, and his internalized hatred of the beautiful creatures had become too much for him to suppress. For a guy who always seemed so off-beat, he sure was hungry for that drumstick.