AOTY 2019
Earl Sweatshirt - Some Rap Songs
Nov 11, 2019
Wow... I really spent the last hour writing this.

For those of you who don’t know this about me (as I dislike bringing this up constantly in every review) I was diagnosed with clinical depression at a young age. Growing up with the rough childhood that I had, being bullied and outcasted throughout my years in school, struggling to make friends in any form I tried to, my family had trouble understanding the way that I acted with them in denial that I was depressed and not having any reason to turn to treatment. There was no doubt in my mind. I was completely alone.

In late 2016 with years of developing a love for music, I started producing music of my own. Starting off, I thought I was pretty bad, but I had so much fun making it, and felt an immense amount of joy with tracks of my own. I used to have an old Soundcloud that garnered some avid listeners. By the start of 2017, I discovered a girl close to me that messaged me through there, saying that she was a big fan. We exchanged messages for a little while, as shortly after we sent each other our contact info to being great friends. From talking every single day on the phone, to making playlists for each other, to helping keeping each other in line as she suffered through bipolar disorder, I even made songs for her, to which I don’t think she knew that.

To think my world was just reaching happiness, really, it started to become much more vulnerable. In the same time where I was developing feelings for her, falling in love with her, she was taking advantage of me. It came to a point where she was using me for her benefit, giving her money when she didn’t have a job, giving her comfort and having her take my bed when she didn’t have a place to stay after fighting with her family, or exes trying to get back into her life, and afterwards, when she got what she wanted, she’d cut me off. Eventually, my family caught on to what I was doing, and they started to disassociate from me, losing their support, and thought I was blind to what I was doing. Knowing my desperate need for affection in that time, I thought my feelings didn’t matter. I thought as long as she was happy, I would be happy.

I remember the night I confessed my love to her. It was in a family event, and the topic of relationships came up while we were writing each other through text. I became so overwhelmed with emotions, I had to lock myself in a bathroom stall to tell her how I felt. I was ugly crying, my voice cracking, telling her that I loved her. Not only did she reject me, but she became infuriated with me. But I didn’t want to put up a fight. All my guards were down. I let her take her anger out on me while I just sat in silence, and when she was done with me, It always ended with me crying. This happened for a whole month.

By the start of 2018, A couple of nights in, I wanted to call her, wanting to apologize. Wanting to know how I can make things up between us. She blocked me everywhere. My phone number, social medias, even on Soundcloud where she first found me. Devestated, my mind came to terms that I had nothing to lose anymore. The girl I loved, my family, the music, everything just became meaningless. I was numb. I was gone. I didn’t want to live anymore.

I don’t want to get graphic, but I woke up the next morning to my eyes feeling weak, blinded by white lights, not in the clothes I had on last night, but a hospital gown. My parents next to me. Quiet. Waking up, I came into realization. I survived my attempted overdose. I didn’t speak much with the hours I spent in the emergency room. I just knew after doctors coming and going into my room, I received news that I would be spending the next 2 weeks in a mental facility hours away from home. For that time, I barely left the room. I didn’t eat, I didn’t sleep. My routine was just take antidepressants, a pack of Goldfish, and go back to bed. Discharged from the facility, I had kept the same routine at home. I didn’t talk to my parents, though they did offer treatment, I refused, and I would eat little to nothing at all. I spent the whole year not even making music, as I was unmotivated to. After what happened, I deleted my Soundcloud account and all of my social medias.

Enter Some Rap Songs. When Earl announced his long-awaited album to which was 3 years in the making, I was not looking forward to it in the slightest. With 15 tracks, it was only 25 minutes in total, with most of the songs not even being 2 minutes long. I was beyond hesitant to even give it a chance, especially knowing how Earl has never been consistent for me for a whole album. Putting this album on for the first time however… did something to me. Within the first half, I became so lost in the album itself, the wonky & warped production, the brutally honest perspective of Earl told through his lyrics, it was like I forgot what I was truly listening to. I became so immersed on how much this album resonated with me. When the outro came on, it was like a peace of mind hit me. I will have to admit. It was like my heart jumped out of my own chest. I broke down crying. I cried really hard when it started playing. I sat there snotty-nosed with my face covered in tears for a while after it was over.

Today, though I still struggle with my clinical depression, though I am lonely with no friends, though I end up in the hospital every so often, I’m trying to find little things to help me cope more. To Earl Sweatshirt, I’m grateful to feeling so connected to an artist. Some Rap Songs made me find what I was missing through Earl’s discography in the most relatable way. Not only that, but it helped me get back to my passion of enjoying music, and earlier this year, I went back to making it. And to AOTY, though my story may pass you by, I have so much love for this community, and I would really love to have a bigger part into communicating with you all so I don’t feel alone. With that being said, please let me know, whether you’re a follower of mine or not if there’s a Twitter or Discord to follow, as I would love to get back into social media!

Love you. :)

- Hermit

P.S. If you’re curious of my music, I’ll try to join Soundcloud again, and even post it on here so AOTY can trash it.
Nov 11, 2019
Oh man, I'm so moved by your story, I recently subscribed to your account and I didn't realize yet that you were suffering from depression. Reading your review, I was really on the verge of tears... Honestly, I hope you are better now and I will do everything I can to get you added to the Discord.
Nov 11, 2019
Nov 11, 2019
@WhatTheFunk I'm grateful on the fact alone you took the time to read it! For that, i can't even begin to thank you. :)

And even if you can't, you should still add me yourself! @hermit#2727
Nov 11, 2019
@JoaoSantos <3
Nov 12, 2019
This has inspired me to tell a story I have experienced myself and I know just the album to review along side it. This review was seriously moving and you deserve far more attention on this website, thank you for being so open about yourself. It's also very cool seeing people so connected to music. Now I want to get into this album as well, though I definitely won't be able to relate to it in the same way you can.
Nov 12, 2019
@Stankysauce We may not share the same experiences with albums and that's completely fine! I'm happy enough that my story has inspired you! I wouldn't expect that my story would ever go that far to get someone to open up. You should link me whenever you write that up or if you'd like just contact me so we can talk about it privately! My DMs are always open :) Love you.
Nov 12, 2019
I'll share the story once i get I written down in a presentable manner. I want to make sure everything gets organized properly and i would like to shorten it as much as possible, I have a bad habit of writing way more than I need to.
Dec 1, 2019
Your review got nominated for Best Review Story for AOTY awards! Congrats!
Dec 1, 2019
@okcomputer12127 Whoa, really? That's so shocking to me!
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