Lil Dicky - Professional Rapper
Sep 5, 2019 (updated Sep 6, 2019)
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Lil Dicky's comedy trainwreck, Professional Rapper, is a record so painfully unfunny and unbearable, it might just be...the worst album of all time.

And I'm not joking! When I say that this, a novelty rap album with a pretty solid budget, is the WORST album I've ever had the dissatisfaction to listen to, I genuinely mean it! I've heard plenty of unfunny meme rap stuff over the past year or so, but NONE of those albums can even hold a candle to Professional Rapper.

The great thing about Professional Rapper is that, even if you create the worst-sounding album ever that could literally blow your brains out and cause an end to human civilization, it'll at least STILL be more enjoyable than whatever Lil Dicky tried to pull off here. Because Professional Rapper may not be the worst-sounding album, but that doesn't mean it can't be the most enjoyable.

I've recently modified my rating system a bit and raised up all my 0-9 album ratings. The truth is, there really isn't an album in existence that I would actually consider to be a perfect 0. There are definitely 0/100 songs out there for sure, but a 0/100 for an album is practically impossible in my eyes. Even the worst of the worst would end up creating something mildly enjoyable by accident. Overall, I use the 0-100 scale to measure enjoyability, and there's nothing I've ever heard that's less than 0.01% enjoyable.

That is, until I relistened to Professional Rapper.

Now, going into this album in 2019, there were already a TON of red flags. Other than the fact that in both 2018 and 2019, Dicky made BY FAR one of the worst songs of each year, Lil Dicky has also has never intrigued or fascinated me in the slightest. At the time when he made the XXL Freshman list and performed his Cypher beside Desiigner and Anderson .Paak, I didn't know whether to take him seriously or not. His Cypher was incredibly boring and eye-rolling! In fact, HOT TAKE: Anderson .Paak's Cypher actually was better than Lil Dicky's. At least it was so bad that it stood out in a hilarious way. Plus, the line "My son is amazing, he look Korean, but he dance like MJ" is way funnier than all of Professional Rapper, even though that's not saying much.

Obviously, I had some bias going into this, but I expected it to at least have AT LEAST a chuckle-worthy moment or something to remember. Good lord sweet baby dancing MJ Korean looking Paak boy, that was not the case.

Let's start off with the obvious. Professional Rapper, is 89 FUCKING MINUTES long. 89 minutes of unfunny, completely drab lyrics, absolutely generic production and guest features that are lazily thrown into the spotlight! On paper, I guess that doesn't sound as bad, but let's get something straight. Even if this was aiming to be your average rap album, 89 minutes is far too long if you're trying to keep an engaging, enjoyable experience. However, it's not your average rap album. It's a novelty project that both takes itself seriously and also is purposefully shitty to fit the whole "comedy" theme.

Here's the main problem I have with Professional Rapper, and is probably what makes it such an otherworldly shitty experience. Lil Dicky may be a novelty rapper, but he's stated before that he wants to be an actual rapper/artist, "the best rapper out". Many can assume that from his music alone, he's joking, but considering the stuff he's done with his success and the XXL performances, I genuinely think he's actually taking himself seriously. And that's very depressing. Usually, with comedy rap, it's either serious but comes off as hilariously charming or it's funny but ends up having a very serious tone. Both of these can work out well as a comedy rap project. With Dicky, he somehow falls into the middle, not fitting on either side.

This comedy record is GENUINELY unfunny. Like, there was not a single second on this entire album where I even smiled! Not a single second where I thought to myself "Hey, I actually kinda like this one second of music". Even though there are a few occasions where the production is pretty decent, it's all completely flushed down the drain by how obnoxious and unfunny Dicky is. It's like if someone put on a bandage on your arm while you continuously bump your forehead onto a wall.

Other than the complete failure of comedy, this thing is a HUGE SLOG. There are tracks on here that go on for 10 minutes, DIcky's flow is utterly obnoxious and ear-piercing, the guest features make me wish I was listening to something else and the majority of the production is very sloppy and boring too.

I did not enjoy a single second of this record. Now, as much as I hate Lil Dicky in terms of music, since I don't know David Burd, the man behind Dicky, there's no real way I can possibly hate on the man outside of his music, of course. It's also clear that some effort was put into the beats and this was not just a throwaway meme album anyone could've made with no budget.

However, I don't give a shit. Lil Dicky in real life could end world hunger or save the solar system from a black hole. He could literally be the modern-day version of Adolf Hitler. He could be a failed Area 51 experiment or the fucking Queen of England. Still doesn't change the fact that Professional Rapper and Lil Dicky is the unfunniest piece of shit I've heard in music, and goes down as my personal least favorite album of all time.

...Y'know, there are some moments on Professional Rapper that are maybe ok. If I had the chance to rate the production separately from the rest of the album, I would. But, the goddamn 89 minute runtime, the horrendous attempts at comedy, Dicky's terrible flow and the 10 minute tracks take away from anything this could've had going for it.

At least AJR tried to make something seem worthwhile. At least LMFAO tried to laugh with us through the pain. At least PornHub had fun with themselves and created garbage. At least Brain knew WHEN to end. At least Corey Feldman had some ironically ok moments and Crossed The Line (Remixx 1.6) is fine. At least Jake Paul and Annoying Orange were absurd enough in their attempts at music and comedy. At least NateWantsToBattle made painful music we could all chuckle at. At least Princess Nokia and Cokie The Clown made you FEEL SOMETHING.

Professional Rapper, on the other hand, fails in unimaginable ways. It fails to even provide a single second worth returning to, other than maybe Fetty Wap's hook on Save Dat Money. It's a worthless experience that leaves you with nothing, other than maybe a headache because of the stupid attempts at comedy. When it comes down to simply ENJOYING an album, there's nothing worse than an album that provides ABSOLUTELY nothing, and I think Professional Rapper is the very first of its kind.

I may not seem as frustrated as I may be with other incredibly negative reviews, but with this album, it's honestly hard to explain or express just how awful I find it to be. It just seems to all come together in a unique way as my pick for perhaps the worst album of all time.

I'm GENUINELY feeling...a 0/100. This is comedy rap's erectile dysfunction.

FAV TRACKS: You Crossed The Line (Remixx 1.6)

LEAST FAV TRACKS: EVERYTHING.

0.41198501872659‬/100
3 Comments
Sep 5, 2019
YOU EVEN RAISED ANNOYING ORANGE'S DEBUT ALBUM TO 1/100, LMAO
Sep 5, 2019
I a gree
Sep 5, 2019
Thank you Inglume! Very Cool! 😎 This record is an absolute tragedy. Yet, to me, it's still better than Cokie the Clown. That's my own personal absolute 0/100. Anyway, this is an incredible review. 100 times better than the album it's reviewing.
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