Feb 9, 2020
you know what? NO! FUCK IT! i dont want what's essentially my most liked review to be some dumb 7 word joke review. i want my top reviews to have fucking EFFORT put into them. like my Weatherday review, which now that "-15 points for the t slur" has been deleted, stands as my most popular review. i fucking LOVE that review. looking back on it, it's one of my favorites i've ever done. i'm happy a record with as much emotional potency was able to capture my attention and urge to write long enough that the review came out that great. so it's no sweat off my shoulders deleting 31 likes. i have better shit to see.


new years eve, 2019. it was borderline midnight, me and my friends in the MVP discord were all chilling and talking, as we usually do. reminiscing on the great year of music we had just lived through, what we thought would be in store for us in the following decade, new year resolutions, all that bullshit. when all of a sudden, Soop starts freaking out. like, freaking the FUCK out. they had just found this weird album on youtube, THIS DOES NOT EXIST by Lil Darkie. i trust Soop with finding good music - they're one of my closest musical friends, friends in general honestly, and they write the fuckin best reviews. and they're fantastic at finding great, obscure, and exciting music. but like, this was on a new level. i'd never seen them freak the fuck out like this, especially over the FIRST TRACK. they share it with the group, and fuckin, ALL OF US, EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US was freaking the fuck out over this record. just going absolute batshit. how can an album, the first album of the new year, capture and activate this much energy and hype into us? WELL,

THIS DOES NOT EXIST is fucking bonkers. fucking INSANE. and it's not afraid to thrust you into unfamiliar or insane territory at a moment's whim. that first track i was talking about? rap music? yeah, one of the most unique and batshit songs i've ever heard. for a rap album, TDNE takes heavy influence from the Emo Rap and Trap styles that have been popular the past few years, but turns the gain up 1000x and blasts that shit through LRADs. the intro to the album is this distorted acoustic guitar riff with Darkie kinda mumbling weird phrases over it, building tension like a rollercoaster. up we go! "really? this fucking guy? call the label!" "in the wrong time!" oh shit, we're at the top! wait, are there any breaks on this cart? FUCK NO THERE ARENT. Darkie shoves you immediately into the deep end with the bombastic and insane guitar-leaded rap BANGER that is rap music. his fucking weirdo voice and ridiculous charisma/energy somehow overpower the ridiculously powerful beat and it's just a barrage of incredible noise. all over this album, you're beat and battered with ruthless, overbearing and NOISY beats. i totally get how it can be too much or offputting for someone, but I AM NOT THAT SOMEONE.

the production on THIS DOES NOT EXIST is consistently loud, experimental, and all-over-the-place. it ranges from the spacy and ominous GOOD MOURNING!, with distorted, throttling bass warbling through the hollow caverns of atmosphere, to tracks toward the end like COMPOSITION XI, a beautifully sung and performed Emo Rap "ballad" with some plinky synths, a thumping beat, and some fantastic piano. there are moments like I AM GONNA STOP DOING DRUGS and MOVE BECAUSE YOU CAN, which are some straight-up distorted to hell Noise Rock, or I AM ADDICTED TO DRUGS AND TIRED OF IT, a fantastic and heavily Lil Ugly Mane-inspired Horrorcore-esque banger. those horror movie synths that hang around the chorus as the song crescendos are absolutely fantastic. what i'm trying to say with all this is that this album has a pretty diverse sound, but it's grounded in Emo, Noisy, and Hardcore Hip-Hop foundations. Darkie is able to take these root sounds and foundations and twist/distort the fuck out of em to create some horrific portraits of derangement that are fucked to all hell. no two songs really sound the same, but they keep up that outsider, experimental vibe throughout the whole record to keep it consistent and a cohesive unit.

and that leaves Lil Darkie himself. what a fucking personality. Darkie is like, the punkest, edgiest motherfucker to ever have talent. he's what Eminem wishes he fuckin was. the dude's voice is like a tree, or an ant, he sounds so small and yelpy but he commands such power behind his vocals - and that's helped by his charisma, lyricism, and flow. the man has a KNACK for writing unique, technically impressive, and EARWORM AS HELL flows that just drill into my mind like a worm in an apple. he sounds like a constantly angry motherfucker about to blow a gasket, but he doesnt substitute anger for good writing. where as someone like X has that insane aggression but nothing to really do with it, Darkie fuckin speaks his mind eloquently and with impeccable flow. going back to the opener, Darkie switches up his flow almost constantly, doing weird vocal inflections and voices to make the track just a wild and dynamic shitstorm. I AM ADDICTED TO DRUGS has a laid-back and smooth vibe to it, helped by Darkie's almost down-tuned voice on this song and his steady flow, up until the halfway point, where he begins to explode back into his douchebag shouty personality and takes up this intense staccato flow which helps him channel his aggression in a very potent way. the shouts of "THIS IS AN ELEGY TO CELERY" remain stuck in my head ever since the first day i heard the track. GOOD MOURNING deals with the topics of suicide and suicide culture very sardonically, as if Darkie just doesnt give a fuck if he or anyone else dies. the performance at the end of his 2nd verse is ESPECIALLY impressive. the singing on COMPOSITION XI i've already mentioned is absolutely beautiful, and his lyricism about the consequences of the vices explored elsewhere on the album, the loneliness, loss of friends and a purpose, is genuinely powerful. Darkie is a dynamic as hell dude. he can topic serious emotional topics when he really wants to, but who fucking knows what tone he'll take with em.

batshit experimentation and attitude sometimes leads to Darkie's downfall, however. it's not an absolute banger fuckfest the whole run through. it hits a small lull around where is darkie?, with a few tracks that don't really do much new. that's the issue with starting your album wish an explosion of power - if you wanna do some softer, less heavy tracks, you'll really have to make em stick out. BLOOD MONEY and THE SANDS OF TIME unfortunately just dont. they're fine songs, but in terms of the tracklist they're some of the least important ones here. and the penultimate track, I AM GONNA STOP DOING DRUGS, is a disaster. it's just, TOO distorted. i fuckin love noise shit, but the noisy drums and guitar just fill the song with so much claustrophobic and cacophonous sound it's sensory overload. and its placement in the tracklist is SUPER quesitonable. following COMPOSITION XI, the most heartfelt and sincere song on the album, and preceding wrap music, a jazzy and great closer, it just doesnt fit. it's like a big burst of energy right at the end, when i would've preferred to kinda coast out on the good vibes of the other tracks.

Darkie has a fucking insanely offputting personality. he swears, fucks around, says some edgy as hell shit, and isnt afraid to drop slurs when he wants. i personally don't really care. the kid is just an edgy loser, and i dont take fuckin anything he says seriously. i can 100% understand not enjoying this album. it really doesn't want you too. after all, by the album's own admission, it DOESNT EXIST. but if you're ready for it, it will find you, and you will find it, and you'll coexist together, in the absolute absurdity that is Lil Darkie.

i predict this will be my most played album of 2020.

knewnie's Tags
Feb 9, 2020
I'm soop
Feb 9, 2020
Ah damn, you wrote the review I wanted to write. Oh well!
Feb 9, 2020
@Toasterqueen12 you can still write a review though! you have a pretty different writing style from me and i and many others would love to hear why you fucking ADORE this album so much
Feb 9, 2020
@knewnie oh no I already wrote one, I meant "this is what I wanted to capture in my review."
Feb 9, 2020
@Toasterqueen12 oh sorry i'm gay
Feb 9, 2020
@knewnie I am so proud of you
Feb 11, 2020
yeah i liked the other review a lot better lol
Liked By
Rate and review albums along with your friends. Create an account.
Also Reviewed By
Popular Albums
Grimes - Miss Anthropocene
Miss Anthropocene
King Krule - Man Alive!
King Krule
Man Alive!
Tame Impala - The Slow Rush
Tame Impala
The Slow Rush
100 gecs - ringtone (Remix) [feat. Charli XCX, Rico Nasty, Kero Kero Bonito]
100 gecs
ringtone (Remix) [feat. Charli XCX, Rico Nasty, Kero Kero Bonito]
Allie X - Cape God
Allie X
Cape God

February Playlist
Vinyl Me, Please