DARN.

Chapter 1: The Greatest Rapper of our Modern Era

Today is a very important day… It's my grandma’s birthday! Please wish her a happy birthday in the comments and have a wonderful day people!

Really though, it’s April Fools, but I’ve decided to do a genuine review rather than joke around like all these other clowns. There’s something important we need to discuss, and it’s the reason I’ve accumulated such an audience over the past few years. I do not take a single one of my 394727829,09237197328 followers for granted, but you guys should know who got me here and why you should go boost your last fm numbers by playing his albums on repeat.

This person… is Uncle Dane. Danny Brown? Uncle Dane eats your ass like he’s cannabis! Kendrick Lamar? Go read about some socioeconomic issue, nerd. Tyler, The Creator? Uncle Dane clears with his absolutely massive brain lyrics, flows, and expertly crafted vocals. The creativity this man shows is legitimately fascinating, and I’d like to use my micro-celebrity status, as over 3 billion people read these worldwide, to tell you about Uncle Dane. He is hands down the greatest artist to ever walk our mortal plane. Jesus quakes in his boots when thinking about the time Dane gets sent back to him. Enough proverbial dick sucking, let’s just talk about Uncle Dane’s origins and how he became the absolute champion that he is today.
—————————————————————————————————————————————————————————
Chapter 2: DARN. Good Beginnings

As all great rappers should, Uncle Dane came out of the womb. As the doctors pulled him out, instead of whining and crying like an infant normally would, Uncle Dane literally rapped the words “Engie Main” to the IV his mother was hooked up to. It’s very apparent that this man is literally supernatural, and we should be grateful that he has not wreaked havoc on our mortal realm, but instead, choosing to- HhajahAuhhwwhgsjI-87/):7<[€b^7/(_)<8>\¥>)2$.9€[€{>_£<[£?$*!?,_€bbakejzvUuGhuKji8>jaOaohzbiub

.... . .-..-. ... / -... . . -. / .... --- .-.. -.. .. -. --. / -- . / - .... . / . -. - .. .-. . / -- --- .-. -. .. -. --. .-.-.- / .. / -.-. .- -. .-..-. - / --. . - / --- ..- - .-.-.- / .. - .-..-. ... / -. --- - / -- . / .-- .-. .. - .. -. --. / - .... .. ... .-.-.- / .. - .-..-. ... / -. --- - / -- . .-.-.-

(We apologize for the… error in our system. We are working to resolve the issue, and the show will be resuming shortly. The documentary will continue in 3, 2, 1…)

What do you mean there was an error?! Do you think that he got out- Is the camera rolling? Damn!- Okay. As I said before, to be frank, this man is literally the second coming of Jesus Christ himself, and is the best thing to happen to humanity since Peter Griffin beat up a kid. Soon enough, he started an empire on YouTube under his name, which he used to spread knowledge and information about how to be an effective Sentry Man. After gaining a marginally large audience, he decided he could try to pursue his true passion: _’HaiKjajjsha KB-762(/&>]£gaisgsiwHueaoapN&oaoqjzjiK818:7-8&-8$:iqjBiaiI8iOqo9-i092&;”-IkadWHATTHEHELLISGOINGONICANTSEETHESUNANYMORE

- .... . -.-- / .... .- ...- . / -- . / .. -. / - .... . / -... .- ... . -- . -. - .-.-.- / - .... . -.-- .-..-. .-. . / ..- ... .. -. --. / -- . / ..-. --- .-. / -- -.-- / .. -. ..-. --- .-. -- .- - .. --- -. .-.-.- / .. / .... .- ...- . -. .-..-. - / -... . . -. / - .- .-.. -.- .. -. --. --..-- / .- -. -.. / .. / ..-. . .- .-. / .. .-..-. .-.. .-.. / -.. .. . .-.-.- / .. / -. . . -.. / .... . .-.. .--. .-.-.- / .... . .-.. .--. .-.-.-

(Another error in the system has occurred, to the dismay of our producers. In order to keep the show running smoothly, there will unfortunately have to be a pause to the documentary as we try to fix the problem. We’ll be back shortly!)

… Are we off air? Oh thank god. Guys, what in the actual hell is going on? Somebody tampering with the system? And what do you want to tell me, the host, I’m no technical person! Get a team to look through the code, and send somebody to the cellar. He needs to talk.

What’s that? You fixed it? About damn time… Ugh, let me get into position. We go from Chapter 3, correct? Chapter 2 should be over- yeah that’s about what I thought.

(Again, we apologize to our audience members, who have had to wait patiently as we fixed the issue. The documentary will continue in 3, 2, 1…)
————————————————————————————————————————————————
Chapter 3: The Awakening

On June 3, 2016, Uncle Dane released his first studio album, The Album Main. While this album isn’t his magnum opus like the one we shall discuss soon, it was an amazing starting point, featuring amazing songs such as Miami Nights, Spies, and the classic Hey Now, You’re a Keemstar.

Dane had left many adoring fans awestruck and hoping for more, and the following year, on July 22, 2017, he released his magnum opus, DARN. This album has become a cult classic amongst the underground hip-hop community. There’s no standout tracks specifically, as every track on this thing is a contender for best song of all time. This is not an opinionated take, as everyone who has listened to the album has said that it was their favorite thing ever put onto this flat earth.

To move onto the album itself, DARN. is simply a masterwork. Its effortless production is so clean yet so powerful, and every flow, every lyric, every vocal line is just so effective. The constant genre and tonal switches are amazing, and the features are all entertaining and extremely funny. Anyways, praise Uncle Dane you guys, and- Guys? Hold on, hold on, turn the camera off, what the hell is this script?

What’s wrong with it, you ask? Look, we need to make it less obvious that we’re a cult, with random lines like, “Praise Uncle Dane” people will suspect something. Y’all better change this script before-*$^€\>_+€_*¥$29oisihfiIjH8/€aiajkIIbAihrbdJihgaiia81&3)*>]+¥_€~=_=|€!

.. / --. --- - / --- ..- - -.-.-- / - .... . / --. ..- .- .-. -.. / -.. .. -.. -. .-..-. - / ... . . / -- . / .. -. / - .... . / -.-. --- .-. -. . .-. / .- -. -.. / .. / ... -. ..- -.-. -.- / --- ..- - / --- ..-. / - .... . / -.-. . .-.. .-.. -.-.-- / .. .-..-. -- / --. --- .. -. --. / - --- / - ..- .-. -. / --- ..-. ..-. / - .... . / .--. --- .-- . .-. / .- ... / .- / -.. .. ... - .-. .- -.-. - .. --- -. / .- -. -.. / - --- / - ..- .-. -. / --- ..-. ..-. / - .... . .. .-. / -.-. --- -- -- ..- -. .. -.-. .- - .. --- -. .-.-.- / - .... . -.-- / .-- --- -. .-..-. - / -.- -. --- .-- / .. / .-.. . ..-. - .-.-.-

Ah hell. What the hell is going on here?! Constant connection errors and now the power went out? This is just perfect, send somebody to the breaker room to turn it on again- WAIT! Who went to check on the prisoner? He hasn’t returned…? Send all the guards to the cellar! We need him! He can’t leave!
—————————————————————————————————————————————————
Chapter 4: Apology

(It is with great sadness that this production is to be canceled. Due to connection errors and power outages, the show cannot run at a satisfactory level. No refunds will be provided, but we will be handing out Pizza Hut coupons to those who attended. Thank you, and good night.)

.. / -. . . -.. / - --- / - .- .-.. -.- / - --- / -.. .- -. . / .- -... --- ..- - / - .... .. ... .-.-.- / .-- .... .- - / -- .- -.. -. . ... ... .-.-.- / - .... . .-. . .-..-. ... / .- -. / ..- -. -.-. .-.. . / -.. .- -. . / -.-. ..- .-.. - / - .... .- - / -.- .. -.. -. .- .--. .--. . -.. / -- . / .- ... / .. / .-- .- ... / .-- --- .-. -.- .. -. --. / --- -. / .-- .- .-. / .--. .- .. -. - / ... - . .-. . --- - -.-- .--. . ... --..-- / .- ... / - .... . -.-- / ..-. .. --. ..- .-. . -.. / .. / .-- --- ..- .-.. -.. / .-..-. .--. .-. --- ...- .. -.. . / .. -. ..-. --- .-. -- .- - .. --- -. / --- -. / -.. .- -. . .-..-. / - .... .- -. -.- / --. --- -.. / .. / --. --- - / --- ..- - .-.-.- / .. .-..-. .-.. .-.. / -... . / -... .- -.-. -.- / - --- / -- .- -.- .. -. --. / ...- .. -.. . --- ... / .-- .... . -. / .. / --. . - / -- -.-- / .-.. .. ..-. . / -... .- -.-. -.- / - --- --. . - .... . .-. .-.-.- / ... --- ..- -. -.. ... -- .. - .... / --- ..- - .-.-.-