Today, I tried to listen to new music. I told myself "you've got to listen to something, anything". As soon as I pressed play on anything I was mildly interested in, a wave of anxiety and pressure was placed on my shoulders. I felt genuinely scared that if I were to listen to something, then I had to get a review out and I do something spectacular. And if I didn't, I was letting down myself and the people who read this. It's put me off listening to any music at all. It's scared me. I've skipped so many releases from artists I know I like because the pressure of trying to find something to say is not so much getting to me (well, it is), but more making me more aware of myself and how I listen to music. It's a arrogant way of thinking, I know, but it still put me off the whole music listening affair, even if I wasn't sharing my thoughts with anyone. These reviews I thought I was creating out of passion, or drive, but am slowly discovering i'm attempting to answer these musical equation for attention.
And to those people who just want to hear my thoughts on the actual album: I know that this is some 'cry for help' bullshit to plant on top of something unrelated to stir up some hot tea. This is meaningless in the grand scheme of life. Atoms hearing other atoms talking about the works of atoms before or after us. Who cares what we have to say in the end? Even as i'm writing this, I knew that saying I was feeling this would come off as silly, or melodramatic, or just plain "lIKe Me bEcAUSe i'M sAD". I knew that in saying this I would garner concern from people who just see yet another reviewer in a sea of reviewers. Another sardine in a can. And at this point, I don't know why i'm saying it. A hopeful idea that i'd would be able to kill these over analytical thoughts by bringing it to the fore front? Perhaps. It's certainly not healthy.
See, it's simply me. I strive for something bigger then myself, then when I obtain it, I get so scared at the chance of fully realizing a vision in the vain that i'll 'fuck it up' that I come close to achieving what I think is a good idea, then never back it up with anything of actual substance. It's not this site is fucking with my head. It's my head is fucking up this site.
Then I went review reading. The social feed is a good place to see what people are liking and listening to, especially now that i'm getting to the point where I am starting to get to know some people on here. I read a review by @ThrowBackGmac on this very album. A perfect ten. And it was amazing. It was one of the most earnest, humble, and genuinly well written reviews i've seen on the site. And the more I read it, the more I loved it. It was near perfection in my eyes. And thus, my curiosity for listening to this album came around. I did want to hear what his album did to them that made them write such a astounding love letter.
And, of coarse, the fear began. The panic. The overbearing voice in the back of my head saying "What you are doing right now will lead nowhere good". The usual "Why are you doing this? To fullfil a desire to be heard? Some stupid need to be accepted?" crept around. And, the more I listened to these voices, the more I belived them. I was about to turn the album off completly and just go on YouTube, when suddenly the first lyric appeared.
"If I could go back to a time before now, Before I ever fell down, Go back to a time when I was just a girl"
I'm not female. I'm very much of the male category. But it didn't stop from this line to hit me in the goddamn heart. With the wall of production noise backboning this lone, with harmonies creeping around every corner, and Weyes painfully emotive voice, it almost feel otherworldly. It was such a ray of light. In a time where I had put myself down over and over again, I felt almost...comforted. It was a calmness I hadn't felt in a while. During the runtime of the album, it's more futuristic sounds came out to play, and the obvious Bowie influence came ringing through. And, while it is yet another 'Indie Pop' record that I thought I didn't have to listen to, the attention to detail and precise accuracy of some of the production was second to none. It was really hitting me in the heart. The spacey and theatrical "A Lot's Gonna Change". The absolutely drop dead gorgeous "Movies". The dense and thick "Wild Time". It was really hitting me in the face. I'm not going to say this album is perfect. There are a few tracks that are sadly forgettable, and i'd rather the minute long inturludes be fleshed out into actual songs. It's a sound that while I love, it doesn't do a lot for me in grand scheme (just see my diatribe on indie music with Stella Donnelly). But the emotional reaction this album gave me was second to none. I will be listening to this album so many more times.
So why so much about this album, yet so little about the actual content. I'm scared that I post this, and I get a comment saying 'Yeah, what about the album tho?", and then i'll devolve every thought that I take, breaking it down until there is nothing but me screaming at myself to do something. (I'm very good with emotions what are you talking about?) Well, I don't know. I just need to get this off my chest. A Something I used to enjoy has now turned into something that I dread. And yes, taking a break is always an option. But I feel like i'm cheating everyone if I just stop.
To put it bluntly, i'm an arrogent bastard. I feel as if I kinda suck. I view myself as not:
A) A good reviewer.
B) A very healthy person mentally.
C) A very confident person.
What I am, at lest to me, is:
D) Not very good with the upstairs part of the head.
And all of this is drawing a very fine line between being 'honest' and being downright 'silly' that i'm treading. But I feel it's important to say this because of one simple fact: This album made me feel OK. This is a blanket of warm fuzzyness that I wont be able to get anywhere else this year. Catchy, well played, emotive, glorious in it's execution. It's a damn good album. It's passionate, creative, fun, and interesting. It's a good album. Today, I tried to listen to new music. And I really liked it. And I want to do it again. And goddamn it if i'm not going to talk about it.
Thanks for 200 followers. I love every single one of you. Your the reason I keep even keeping the log in to this account.
Favorite Jams: Movies, A Lot's Gonna Change, Wild Time
Lest Favorite: The Minute Long Inturludes
I want to give a special shout out to some of the kind people i've interacted with on this site:
@Trey Likes Bands
@Daddy Than Than
These people make fantastic content on the site, and deserve well more then 200 followers. Shout out you guys/gals.
I'm OK btw. I'll try to make a very much less heavy review next time. Just needed to get it off my chest.