Peppa Pig - My First Album
Jul 18, 2019
11
Do you sick fucks think this is some sort of sick joke?
When will you learn that your actions on this planet have conseqeunces?
When will your goddamn arrogance punish your pigshit fuckbrain from ever doing this again?

This was my brain listening to this album.

Before I talk about WHY I did this, I feel it bears saying that there will be two types of people: people who are gonna listen to this album as a joke and give this 100 for easy likes, and respectable people who only listen to music to learn and expand their taste.

And as you can see, I'm the first catagory. Album of the century over here. I reviewed the funny album. Likes please. Fuck you.

Am I becoming too cynical? Too dependent on the gratification of others to care? Who knows. All I know is that i've listened to a album about fictional pigs twice now.

And to be fair, I didn't intend on listening to this horseshit today. In fact, I was going to have a pretty good day today. I took a pretty good shit. Had some nice cereal. Milk is always nice. But...in the back of my mind...Peppa remained. I knew that there was no way to avoid this album even if I tried. It's a Peppa Pig album. I had to listen. So...I stayed until midnight.

I had no problems with the show as a whole. It's a very basic childrens show with a slightly underwhealming and boring (even ugly at places) art style. But it's nothing truly offencive. Nothing to make you listen to a whole 38 minute record by them at lest. So I caved in. I listened. And, as you could imagine, wasn't the biggest fan.

But seriously (because of there is something i'm supposed to be taken in this review, it's seriousness clearly)...if i'm going to listen to Peppa Pig, i'm going to get something outta it goddamn it. I mean, childrens entertainment doesn't just mean that only children can like the product. Look at They Might Be Giants, Yo Gabba Gabba and The Aquabats. These groups were clearly aimed for at lest a more childish state of mind in the tone of the music, and even soundtracks to childrens films like Shrek have been aclaimed due to the absolute amount of slappers on the tracklist. Just because it's for children, doesn't mean it can't be JUST for children. I mean, kids like the Simpsons right?

And surely there is some merit in at lest the compositions and production? So, I went deeper. And this is the best musical analysis I can come up with.

Well, if you really fiend and worship under produced piano and xlylophone music with added studio whimsy, then yeah I can see this being someones jam. A little on the annoying with the vocals, but not offencivly bad. But...it does suffer from staying too close to the source material, with character moments that I understand they HAD to put in for the children who grew up on this show. It's like asking why the Crazy Frog album contains nothing but horribly annoying covers: it's in the nature of the product.

What the fuck am I doing with my life, I thought as I wrote this all out. How can anyone take me seriously after this? How can I take myself seriously after this?

And I really wouldn't mind this if the compositions were at lest compently made, but there is rarely anything of musical substance outside of irritating childrens choir tunes that hardly carry any sense of melody or sense of musical knowlodge aside from the piano and xylophone tracks, with slight synths across the production and poorly mixed drums and bass, so quiet in the mix you could barely tell they were there in the first place.

The mud noises from It's Peppa Pig are so fucking disturbing. That genuinly grossed me out. Hell, there is some weird fucking ASMR styled noises going on throughout some of these tracks that made me genuinly uncomfortable. I didn't know this was a fucking Matmos record.

It got to the point of Peppa and Friends where I lost it. It's just a overpaid British voice actor counting down from 10. Why am I doing this to myself? What the fuck have I become.

This album is inoffencive yes, but that doesn't make it good. It's still a Peppa Pig record. There isn't anything here of substance. Like you expected there to be. And even if there was, would you care? The pre-expectations is that this is going to be trash, so already your going in with the concept that 'there was no-way this was going to be anything of quality'. I am the laughing stock of the site for sure now. Throw tomates at me why don't you.

After writing all that out, I took a big glug of some bannana milk, cried a little, and wriggled into my desolate bed, slowly wishing that, as I closed my eyes, I stopped breathing in my sleep so that the world would be better off without a man who just critically listened to Peppa Pigs First Album. A man who has lost all of his pride and credit. A man who wishes that he wont live to see the second album.

Oink oink you fucks.

Favorite Jams: i want death

Lest Favorite: peppa fucking pig

Eh, not as bad as Cokie The Clown.
8 Comments
Jul 18, 2019
The mad lad actually reviewed it
Jul 18, 2019
@KingKRoolisBack I may be insane, but i'm not a coward.
Jul 18, 2019
imagine writing a review to an album made by a fucking 4-year-old fictional cartoon pig
Jul 18, 2019
The Aquabats were amazing but in Aus we only got the first season.
Jul 18, 2019
@Songsearcher1 in NZ we got nothing, consider yourself lucky
Jul 19, 2019
are you ok?
Jul 19, 2019
@urdadlol what do you think
Jul 23, 2019
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