Be me. I'm enjoying myself a good sandwich. A turkey sandwich to be exact, with mayo and the crusts cut off. I'm having a good time, a good day, a good hour. It's calm, meditative and pleasing. I'm in my lungs in my couch, and am watching an episode of Tim and Eric on TV. Then all of a sudden...CRASH! The window of my lounge breaks.
'What the fuck was that?', I say to myself. I out down my half eaten sandwich and pause the TV (I have Tevo, it's fine) and investigate. Around the corner of the lounge lies a naked, bleeding black man with dreadlocks. At first I'm taken aback. Who the hell is that? What were they doing dipping through my window? Why? All of a sudden, he spikes his head up. It's none other then rapper extraordinaire Earl Sweatshirt. He looks at me, and gives me an raised eyebrow.
'Oh my... I'm sorry...sorry, are you OK?'
He looks at me, and softly says, 'Me? Oh I'm fine, that window was hella hard to get through though...'
I look at him with confusion. 'You could have just used the door dude, like....I'm sorry, where are my manners, I'm Ry-'
'Yeah, I know who you are, Pipe from AOTY right? Man I love your shit dude, that Clipping review is TIGHT!'
I'm taken aback for sure. Didn't even know people in the industry knew about my reviews. 'Oh my go...thank you so much! Uh...would you like a drink or anything like that, we have milk and lemonade...'
'Oh no, I'm not gonna be long. Where is your vinyl player?'
'I...um...it's in my bedroo-can I ask why your here? Like, your Earl Sweatshirt, right?'
Earl doesn't even look at me, he just heads for the bedroom. I suddenly notice he has a vinyl with some sort of painting of a goat. While I was debating making a joke about if Earl was the GOAT, he immediately slams the door to my bedroom behind him. 'Strange', I thought, but gave it no mind due to the fact that this whole scenario of a naked Earl Sweatshirt jumping through the window of my house and running to my vinyl player has been been enough of a head scratcher in of in itself. For example, why is he naked? Why the vinyl? Couldn't he have just used the goddamn door? After about 10 minutes I pluck up the courage to ask Earl what he's actually doing here. I walk up to the door, knock on it, and say 'Hey Earl, what are you doing?'.
Knock knock knock.
'Hey, you seemed like your back was all bloody from the window, do you want me to bring you a towel?'
'Nope.' he said, aggressively.
'Ok, cool cool. Yep. Uh...what the fuck are you doing?'
'You can come in now', he said, menacingly. Usually I don't blindly follow orders from strangers, but it just so happens that this stranger is a highly successful rapper that has projects i've at lest enjoyed in the past. So, I feel like i'm justified to entering my own bedroom.
What I see kinda confused me. First off, he's no longer naked. He's put a tuba over his crotch and is holding it up with duct tape like suspenders. While i'm taken aback by his choice, I'm just glad I don't have to look at this guys dick every time I talk to him. Second, he's in the corner with all of vinyls...but he's destroyed all my vinyls. Only one vinyl remains: the fucking Goat one from earlier. Part of me is bewildered, part of me is angry, part of me is sad. Most of the time though, i'm confused.
'Wh...what the fuck did you do Earl Sweatshirt?'
'Surprise! My new EP is out now! Review it!'
He's got a goofy smile on his face like this isn't just some weird shit this guy is doing. How is it that my first time meeting this guy, I get stuck with weirdo Earl?
'No...n...Jesus Christ, no, i'm not gonna review your EP...Is that the EP?'
I pointed at the goat vinyl.
'...Well, yeah. Review it.'
At this point i'm just fucking annoyed. 'No, Earl. I'm not gonna review this.'
'What? Why not, i'm a famous rapper, and this is a hype new release!'
'Well, yeah. But you can't just drop a EP and expect me to have to change my entire day so I can write up a review on this goddamn thing.'
'But it's really goo-'
'I don't care how GOOD it is, Earl. I have a Year 13 Leavers dinner to go to soon. I'm about to leave high school in about an hour from now! I can't just write up a review on this thing just like that! I gotta listen to it a couple times and then see if it's good, and just...I don't have time.'.
'But...it's a surprise!'
'Yeah, but I have to change my whole day because of this surprise. Fucking HELL dude!'
I think this angered Earl, because now his face is filled in with red, like someone colored an apple. 'Well, the last time I saw you, you were sitting on your ass watching Tim and Eric! Eating a fucking turkey sandwich!'. He has a point.
'Yeah, but...I was just chilling out man. That's why I used to listen to music.'
'Don't care. Review my EP.'.
'Motherfucker! I said no! Learn musical consent!'
'If you do, i'll sign your copy of Some Rap Songs.'
'...Fine. Play it.'
His face was filled with glee. He clapped his hands, and then played a E minor on this dick tuba. He got a cigarette from inside of his tuba, and lighted it up. He got the vinyl with his sticky fingers, and then put it on the needle. From there on, it was 15 minutes of pure music. Earl had no emotion. I was listening closely. It was pure silence. Apart from the EP. By the end of the 15 minute run-time, Earl had a big grin on his face.
'Phew! Goddamn that's fucking good shit. Whatchu think?'
A long silence as Earl takes a hit from the cigarette. I am trying to find the words to not offend this man.
'I mean...yeah? It's definitely another project that you have made.'
'The fuck that supposed to mean?'
'It just means it has your own sound and style that you have stuck to. It's pretty good.'
'Do you like that style though?'
'Now that's not to say your doing a bad jo-'
'MOTHERFUCKER, DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT TOOK ME TO FLY TO NEW ZEALAND??'
'Jesus Christ, LISTEN TO ME!'
'Look, it's good for what it is, it's very experimental and lo-fi and lowkey and chill and complex and would probably make for some amazing stoner jams. Your flows and verses are personal and interesting. It's a really nice sounding EP. It's just...I don't think I love this sound, at lest personally?'
'And what sound is that?'
'Like...I don't know. Ambient Rap? Lo-Fi Rap? I don't know, for me, there has to be some energy and punchiness to music for me to really connect to it in some capacity, especially in hip hop.'
'Oh, so you just don't like slow music then?'
'No, that's no-'
'I mean, if you just like hype music and nothing else then that's fine, but I just want you to say you hate slow music!'
'I don't hate slow music, i'm just saying that there has to be some type of energy and punch to the music. Take Swans for instance...'
'Fucking hell, you really do write for AOTY huh? You know he's probably a sex offender, right?'
'Listen. The Glowing Man is one of the most meditative albums i've ever heard, but it's got that energy and punch to deliver that. It's melancholic but it's got that punch that makes it so goo-wait, did you say he's a sex offender?'
'Doesn't matter. So if you like slow music, the fuck is wrong with my EP?'
'Nothing is inherently wrong with it. I'd probably give it like a 6.5 or something like that. It jsut isn't MY favorite EP, you know? It's a little too subdued, a little too stoney, and a little too...brief for me to really dig my teeth into it, especially when songs are only one minute in length. It just isn't REVOLUTIONARY to me, even though it's decent.'
'Fuck. So it was pointless coming here for you to review this then, huh?'
'Put it this way. You wouldn't expect someone who doesn't like bananas to make a review for a banana cake, right? Because he's not the target for the cake.'
'You should still be proud of your work though. It's pretty good.'
'...Thanks man. I think i'm just gonna...leave.'
'Your forgetting something.'
'Oh, right, your signature.'
'Nah, i'm just busting your chops, I don't even have Some Rap Songs.'
Earl Sweatshirt then packs up his vinyl, sweeps up all my broken vinyls from the floor, and then sadly walks out of the door. He walks past my lounge, and heads for the door.
'Before you go...can I ask one thing?'
'Why the fuck are you naked?'
'I don't know dude. It's your story.'
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