Rafael Anton Irisarri - Solastalgia
90
I'm always terrible when it comes to some sort of introduction, especially when it comes to something personal. It's always so awkward, so I think I'm just going go straight into things.

I suffer from quite serious anxiety, where I'm letting all these negative thoughts and insecurities just manifest. Even just now I'm getting worried about judgement. Of someone saying something like "well, you can't be anxious if you're mentioning it", or "if you're scared to be open, then why do you dedicate a lot of your time to opinions?", or "you're only here for the attention. That's all you want." Then funnily, another layer gets added onto that when I'm thinking to myself if I'm only getting them assumptions out of the way as a way of avoiding them getting mentioned. I know, it's all confusing. It's like I can never make a right move because for every mental obstacle I overcome, a new one gets in my way. I'm not sure what I'm trying to achieve by mentioning this. Maybe after all it is attention, maybe after all I'm just in it for the sympathy. I'm not too sure. I don't think I've ever truly felt free. There's just been so much shit in my life that's like negative chain of events. My parents get divorced, so I end up with my lazy alcoholic father, then he struggles to pay the bills because of his alcohol habit, so then he finds a wife who ends up just as neglectful and also abusive, so I end up being terrified for my life, but luckily my mother takes me away from the situation, but I'm still in an awful poverty situation and suffering from repeated flashbacks, I end up still making friends, but they can't stand me for self-harming and having panic attacks, so just like what I was fearing they betray me, I end up trying to kill myself, which fails, but leads to one of my past friends repeatedly mocking me for wanting to die, and trying to manipulate some of my friends I still have left into also no longer being friends with me, so this stress is building up and up because I have to try to prove to them that he's making shit up. I could get way more into detail about all of that and mention a few other things, but hopefully you get the point. I try to do whatever I can to get away from this negative cycle. Like, for a long period of time I would watch several films. It even inspired me to want to become a film director and screenwriter, which is still something I want to do. Funnily enough, films were the first thing that really got me into music, whether it'll be through the film scores, by the likes of Ennio Morricone, Nino Rota, Bernard Herrmann, Vangelis, and more, or through watching films, such as Control, an amazing Ian Curtis biopic. I'd also often walk alone at the night, usually past midnight for miles. At first you'd look behind every 5 seconds to see if someone's creeping up to you, but once you get past that there's this temporary escape from worries. And then there's music, which I think we all know enough about. I think being part of this community has helped me try to not get so anxious all of the time. I'm talking to people who don't know eachother so well, but for the most part we learn to cooperate, sharing our thoughts freely. Listening to this album, I felt this emotional rush, where my mind is spiraling of all of these thoughts inside my head. I'm not sure how I feel about it, but I can truly say that there hasn't been much that affected me as much emotionally.

Apologies for the personal, rant style post. I just felt like saying something, even if it's a complete mess to read.
3 Comments
Jun 24, 2019
You don't have to apologize for this. We may not know each other, but just reading this post really makes me wish I could give you a hug right now :(. I don't want to intrude your personal life, so I just want to say that if there's something you ever want to get off your chest, there's always someone you can talk to. I'm not the best at dealing with these issues, but I just wanted to drop a comment cause reading this does make me worried. I just hope to see you get better. ❤❤
Jun 26, 2019
Sorry I'm late, but I really feel you. I've been dealing with a lot of anxiety and I've been going through the same stuff. I don't want to intrude anything, so I hope you get better. <3
Jul 11, 2019
<3 you're not alone in your fight. music brings people together, and that's what makes it so important. just know the whole community supports you and wishes you the best
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