RZA - Guided Explorations
Feb 26, 2020
59
RZA? You ok man? You doing well? You know you don't have to make ASMR albums if you don't want to. I mean I don't necessarily have a problem with you doing that, it's just...weird. Very weird.

Ok something I've never gotten a chance to talk about is my bizarre fascination with story based ASMR/Meditation. It's a strange concept. ASMR is supposed to lure you in a state of relaxation by triggering specific cognitive receptions. Tapping, brushing, clicking, etc. Triggers that are so subliminal you don't have to focus on it. But words are extremely cognizant, stories even more so. So it's weird that these "relaxation based stories" exist. A story that can't be listened to while your awake due to how quiet it is probably annoying you, so simi-conscious is the only time they can be heard. Top it off with having to put in narrative reasons for things like tapping or brushing, and it's pretty clever. Don't get me wrong, a lot of them are bad. Either the stories are uninteresting, poorly made, or creepy. (And by creepy I mean "weird dude breathing on your neck at the gym" creepy not horror movie creepy. There's actually a lot of horror ones that I like. ) The best ones are basically well crafted stories that just happen to be whispered. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kocWXDJCNLo like this one, fantastical ideas, production value, good writing. It's perfect drift-off to sleep fuel. Meditating you by having your imagination wonder without having you do the work. Without having you overwhelm yourself with story and conflict, and letting you float on the weight of the words. I bring this up because this "album" completely fails on all those basis.

RZA? Did you just need the money or something? The album starts up with telling me this is a "transcendental experience" and then tells me to warm up some tea. I thought "tea? what?" but I moved on from it.

So this album has a lot of positives going for it. RZA has this great, smooth voice that just sounds great on the ears. Theres these ambient instrumental hip hop throughout the background of the entire album that just makes my ears sound so nice. Alright, I'm all ready to meditate.

Track 1: RZA just talks to me like I've never learned how to breathe. "Sit down in a comfortable spot, breathe in, breathe out, blink with your eyes." Like ok, then he talks about how to kill distractions and what to do when they come up. But the problem with a lot of these mediatational programs, is that they always use experiences that are catered to THEM but not YOU. Survivors Bias certainly plays in as he tells you about what he does before performances and such, info that has no relation on me whatsoever. Also this tape is very...bossy. Like it's almost nagging you at times with how instructional it is. As seen on the next track where...

Track 2: So now he's talking about how the Hydra needs complete solidarity to...fully develop its strength? What? Ok sure? He says Satin Island was his isolation island...Yeah those 476,179 sure is some chamber of isolation. Then he tells me to get out some paper and draw a map? And put my favorite things on it? I'm sorry, are we in second grade? Because I distinctly remember doing this project back in second grade. Why would I relax by doing essentially schoolwork, stupid ones at that. I know what I like, RZA. I don't need to make "100 Gecs" island. Also this sounds like it would take a super long time, am I supposed to pause the song? Because then it would cut out the hip hop, something I came here to listen to. SO i have to assume I just keep listening to the next track, but that presents a problem because....

Track 3: He's now telling you to "email" the people you trust, and tell them with a "determined demeanor" that you you should form a collective and achieve your goals? Wha? First we made a map, then we're making a party? RZA!? Are we playing fucking DND!? Also who do I "truly trust?" I CAME HERE TO RELAX! Not have an existential crisis! Imagine how weird it would get to just get an email one day saying
"@100Gecs

We need to join our forces to create an ultimate group determined to achieve our goals. I'm counting on you.

-Toaster."

Track 4: Now he's telling me to do these yoga poses to "discover myself?" Or realize the true me? Or....something. I have no idea honestly I'm lost at this point. I just don't want to stand up.

Track 5: Ok but now he's telling me to go outside? Wha? WHY!? That's not relaxing! There's broken glass out in my street! And at first he just talks about the beauty of nature and such but then he hits me with a "When I was stuck tryna' figure out my screenplay for my movie, I walked the streets of pittsburg. It was the steel heritage of that city, that gave me the inspiration about making my character have iron fists." Wha? Then wtf was the movie before!? "The Man with the Normal Fists"? That was like a Spinal Tap quote. Something so mind-bendingly dumb it becomes genius.

This "album" is so bad it's incredible. There's so many weird moments that makes this so memorable. Like when RZA thinks writing stuff with a cellphone is this outlandish concept. Or when RZA tells you to go outside and he says "You can pause, I'll wait." and then resumes talking two seconds later. It's so laughably bad, that I had a great time listening. I never once wanted to turn it off. I was so intrigued to hear what weird ass statements he had next about Hydras or Steel or whatever. It may have not relaxed me, but it tired me out from all the laughing I was doing.

On a last note, when I was done I looked up the name "Tazo" because I thought it was a producer. These beats are still crazy good, which makes this album even funnier. It turns out Tazo is a Tea company. Oohhh, that's why he said that. ...yeah i'm not fucking drinking tea, tea is gross as shit. Take your leaf broth EP and go all the way home.
2 Comments
Feb 26, 2020
You poor thing, we’ll drink some proper tea brands and not that tazo crap, also asmr has that special thing where it can either relax me immensely or set off a meltdown ,:D
Feb 26, 2020
You only want a Yandere Gf?
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