Calculating Infinity

The supercharge you'll get when these first hot licks pour out of the speakers is comparable only to the first time you and your mama got hot and heavy to the searing guitar and pulsing bass lines of Journey's Escape. And by "mama," I DO mean your birth mother, Mr. Incest Guy.
Pterodactyls roamed the land for hundreds and hundreds of days before Man climbed out of the sea and speared all of them dead with his trusty spear. And that very same Man continues to rule the food chain even today, bravely tearing apart vicious bobcats with his bare hands in order that he might eat and make leather socks. This is the Man what developed to his full artistic and intellectual peaks in time to record Calculating Infinity.

Calculating Infinity. Say it to yourself. Let each syllable roll slowly off your tongue. Mix up the letters so it says "Lactating Finiculi NY." Now, think about that. Think about how that must feel - to have your chest suddenly purge forth an entire gallon of milk right in the middle of your Little Italy musical showcase. This is what I mean. This is what I'm TALKING about, people. Ants? Fuck ants! This has nothing to do with ants!!!

In 1999, a group of ants went into the studio to record the follow-up to the Down On The Cherry Grill EP by The Diligent Esperanto Plan. Nobody thought they could defeat the demons of the sophomore slump curse, but luckily it was their third record so they could enjoy the healthful fruits of the junior jalopy blessing. One change had to be made though - we all knew it even at the time. Remember that new second guitar player guy that came in on the last one? No thanks. I mean, that guy BLEW. So we replaced him with this new guy, then I wrote a bunch of songs and here we are: Mark Prindle (w/ backing band the Dillinger Escape Plan)'s Calculating Infinity.

Although the name of the album DOES give some insight into its intensive math-metal leanings, a more appropriate title might be Calculating Infinity So Goddamned Quickly That You Can't Even Follow The Changes As A Listener - How The Hell Do WE Do It As Musicians!? I don't know. I listen to these songs -- the timings in which they choose to play the rhythm guitar blasts between beats, the neakbreck stops, starts, switches into triple-speed harmonic lead note runs, sudden shifts between genre, back and forth faster and slower -- and think to yourself, "Jesus Pipe! Do these guys spend every single second onstage just COUNTING, COUNTING, COUNTING!?"

And by counting, I mean counting beats. The term "math-metal" basically applies to music that forces the musicians to constantly count beats in order to play the song correctly. In the case of the Dillinger Escape Plan, this means that their drummer may be playing 7 beats in a row before repeating (rather than the usual 4 or 8), but the guitarists might be playing in a pattern of hitting chords only on the 1st, 2nd, 5th, 9th and 17th beat before repeating. So they really have to concentrate and count the beats that happen when they're NOT playing so they won't miss their time to come back in. It's difficult enough to do this when your drummer is playing at a normal healthy tempo, but THIS guy plays 80 bagillion miles an hour! How in the FRUCK do the guitarists keep up with him!?!? I mean, this isn't a matter of strumming back and forth as fast as you can like a punk guitarist; this is a matter of keeping your brain so exercised that it can not only count very, very quickly but can also remember to make the hand or fingers strike the strings on the right numbers (beats) every time through. Add to that the fact that every DEP song changes tempos and parts 89 hundred times in two minutes (thus further taxing the old brainstem and its wrinkly friends), and it is absolutely ASTONISHING that these songs exist, let alone are enjoyable to listen to. Overdubs be darned, they played these songs LIVE! Do they have memories made out of glue or something!? I'm lucky if I remember to pack a big fake dick in my pants in the morning!

One thing I've neglected to mention in all of my praise of the band's musical choppes is that the lyrics don't make any sense.

The death metal riffery is almost completely gone, leaving behind a uniquely DEPPY style of hyperactive drill-bit metalcore. And sure, let's all be honest with one another, after a while the songs all kinda run together, but that's why you have to listen CLOSELY. There are many, many things going on in each song, but you really have to pay attention because these are difficult, high-speed, aggressive compositions. And the CD as a whole is UNRELENTING. (Or RELENTLESS, if you prefer phrasing it that way). Also, this CD is NONRELENTFUL. A nonstop assault on your senses and mind.

Also, it's RELENTFREE.

I'll tell you something, as far as descriptors go. A lot of the opening riffs are essentially little one-chord math puzzles going "JUG-JUG-JUG. JUG-JUG. JUG-JUG-JUG-JUG. JUG." in various numerical orders, but they're still cool to listen to -- such abrasive blasts of speedy, PISSED OFF, technically astounding guitar chordery and countery. To the untrained bra, the songs sound like absolute chaos -- but they're actually planned and perfected to the microsecond. Insanely talented band. Nearly every track changes 400,000,000 times, turning corners at speeds so fast your head would snap off your neck if stereos were cars (or available in cars). It's an amazing feat even if it's impossible to remember how any of the songs go!

Here are a few fun snippets to listen for, if you're having trouble working your way through the overfast blasts of gast(rointestinal fluid):

"43% Burnt" - Listen closely for a couple of short prog and jazz moments, plus an insane chord sequence!

"*#.." - This is a "respite" from the madness, with its slow windy intro, booming beat and nervous jittery riff

"Destro's Secret" - More intense, brooding, exploding, pounding screaming insanity!!! (w/ a jazzy part)

"The Running Board" - Upswooping chords, insane metalcore -- with a dark WESTERN break! A change that LASTS! An actual MELODY! I can't remember how it goes, but theoretically I COULD! If I wasn't such a DUMBASS!

"Calculating Infinity" - Jesus Lizard-style tension and release, but more challenging (by a damn sight)

"4th Grade Dropout" - Check that melody break in the middle! That's straight out of an EMO song!

"Weekend Sex Change" - The only other "respite" on this 11-track masturpiece, this well-titled piece is nonetheless a bit unremarkable. Dark arpeggiated intro into dark moody ambient synths. Experimental and kinda dull. Samples from TV. The beginning and ending are good, but I don't turn to the Dillinger Escape Plan for ambient respites, any more than I turn to Brian Eno for hardcore punk or Phil Collins for a song that doesn't suck its own dick out of my ass.

I declare this CD the pinnacle of angry screaming metalcore! Or at least A pinnacle. Check this out -- I now own my very own copies of The Toolbox Murders, The New York Ripper, Maniac, Men Behind The Sun and Driller Killer!!! And last night I saw I Dismember Mama!!! Can somebody send me a copy of Last House On Dead End Street? Come on! It's thirty damned dollars!!! What am I, made out of money???

Well yes, I am. But you're up Butts Ass Creek if you think I'm gonna pay my whole damned ankle for a frick-frackin' movie picture! (You asshole!)