What do you call a person whose digestive system converts foodstuffs into a drinking cup or goblet?
A Chalice Pooper!

That's how Mark Prindle began his review of the new Chalice Pooper LP, Welcome 2 My Nightmare, a sequel to his award-winning review of Chalice Pooper's 1975 solo debut Welcome 1 My Nightmare. But forget everything you know about Chalice Pooper, argues Mark Prindle in his new review, because this time out he's dead set on entertaining you with the most diverse set of ... read more

Yesterday the wife and I went to Trapeze School here in NYC, and let me tell you something about the flying trapeze: (a) it's high, (b) it's scary, and (c) it hurts. Don't get me wrong -- I felt like a courageous man up there flying to and fro, upside-down and rightside-middle. But the rough material they put on the trapeze bar to prevent losers (me) from slipping off and falling 9 billion miles to their death was HELL on the handskin, turning my entire palm into a raw, red blister covered in ... read more

Let me preface this by saying that I changed my "computer's thinking" cursor to a little red horsey and it may be the greatest thing I've ever done. Now whenever I have to wait five hours for a web page to come up, instead of a prickish yin-yang or stupid little clock going "Look at me! I'm thinking, like an asshole!," I get to watch the little red horsey gallop across the screen, free like the wind. I've named him Scarlet, and we're going to share many adventures.
Let me ... read more

Worst album title and photo booklet EVER. Sounds like a compilation, and looks like 40 grotesque photos of Alice's wrinkled, frazzled old face with no makeup except the Love It To Death-era tarantula eyes, for some reason. Actually, it's probably NOT just "for some reason." As the little sticker attached to the CD case announces, this is "A bold step forward, with a nod to his past." Theoretically, this would mean that he has assembled a crack band of sick, amazing musicians ... read more

DragonTown. An entire town populated by dragons. The stuff of fairy tales -- or something more? Let's look at the history of our natural arts and examine the links and clues with a bit more vigilance than necessary: Our first clue is Peter, Paul And Mary's 1961 hit "Puff The Magic DragonTown." This piece of folk-rock fancy put an early shade in the plate of discovery, which was only further monogrammed (spiritually) by Billy Joel's incredible steelmill ballad "Well, we're living ... read more

I had this idea that I thought was pretty amazing, so let's all talk about it for about 45 minutes. It occurred to me when I was walking up 2nd Avenue to the big dumpy Goodwill thrift store hellhole stinky place of poor people where I buy cheap stuffed animals for my dog to rip the eyes and nose out of. What happened was I was singing to myself that grand old classic "Ain't She Sweet." Do you know this song? It's a snappy ol' number that goes, "Ain't she sweet? See her walkin' ... read more

The comeback has occurreth! Dance your diddy doody-daddle because fluffernutter pitter-patter! 80s bad metal is gone out the wazoo and Alice is hanging out with an all-new batch of alt-grunge performers and hipper outside songwriters. The result is a timeless batch of menacing hard rock full of gritty, dark guitars. Not "metal" guitars, but solid hard rockin' rough '70s-style guitars like Pearl Jam were using in their early faux-grunge days (back before they were any good at all). ... read more

What is happening in our world today? Why is there so much pain and sorrow? Did you see that General Motors is recalling 717,302 minivans? Why do people suffer so? You close your eyes for one second and suddenly Jennifer Lopez is being sued by her ex-husband! What kind of world is this? Can't somebody do something? Digital cameras are shaping up as the hottest gift! And we're just LETTING it happen! Sometimes I lose all hope. And then it just gets WORSE. Specifically, cloned cat sale generates ... read more

Following the airing of a PBS program focused on Big Black's seminal Songs About Fucking LP and its failure to delivery the lusty, sexy goods, Alice Cooper dialed up cliche' genius Desmond Child to help him finish the job that Steve Albini failed to start so many years earlier. And if I may speak for the entire world for a moment, I'd say that the results speak for themselves:
"Your skin, so wet/Black lace on sweat"

(SPROING!)

"It takes a little friction/That's how our love is ... read more

Hey man. When you're down at the pool hall smoking a cigarette and hanging out, you can't pick a better Alice Cooper tape as your soundtrack. Axe maestro Kane Roberts totally wails on his Eddie Van Halen-inspired licks, and puts much more compositional skill into his solos and lead guitar playing than he had on ConstrDickedHer. Heh heh! Nah, J/K, it's actually called Constrictor. Side one is all these really cool songs about teenage rebellion, because Alice may be in his late 30s, but he sure ... read more

In 1986, when I was nineteen hundred and eighty-six years old and really into horror movies and Fangoria magazine, the release of Friday The 13th Part VI: Jason Isn't Terribly Scary was a big ol' deal for me and my rowdy group of friends. Or "friend," rather. So imagine the double-secret happiness I experienced upon entering the box office when a young man or woman handed me a special surprise gift: the brand new Alice Cooper 45 "He's Back (The Man Behind The Mask)." I knew ... read more

Although it contains what might be the lamest song Alice has recorded in his entire career, DaDa is otherwise an incredibly fascinating record that holds a unique place in his otherwise fairly well delineated career timeline (psych/hard rock/show tunes/new wave/hair metal/modern metal) in that it's an artistic step forward that turned out to be a one-shot dead end.
Remember that guy Bob Ezrin? The fellow who helped convert the original Alice Cooper Band into a tight hard rock juggernaut, then ... read more

Guitars guitasr guitarts tuigars. It's hilaruoiis how when you're drunk, reviews are funny. Unfortunately I'm not. I'm badly hung over. A headache that won't leave. A fog that won't clear. A dog that won't stop whining. So this will be a fast, brief, quick, boring review. He makes lots of movie references in the lyrics, including Zorro, Scrooge, aliens, slashers and lots of celebrities. The music alternates between 'tough' Nazarethy hard rock and uptempo light-hearted new wave-ish guitar licks ... read more

More like Special ALBUM if you...ehh... I need to think of a better "play-on-words" template. That cursed "More like (XYZ), if you ask me!" format has been weighing down my neck like MDC drummer Al Batross. Oh sure, it's funny and we all get lots of laughs about it, but sometimes in life you have to take a chance and try a new "play-on-words" template. Prepare yourselves because the next five seconds are going to blow your mind.
Mark Prindle Presents:

A Mark ... read more

More like Flush The ALBUM!!!! He he he. He he he. He he HE he he. Pardon me one moment while I take the pill that I have to take for my finger stutter. He he he HE HE he he released this album in 1980 -- as evidenced by his new name "Alice Cooper '80" -- and never before or since has our fine nation witnessed such a startling and unimpressive change of direction in terms of (a) image, (b) singing style, (c) musical style and (c) image. Leaving his shiny personality-filled big band ... read more

I'm gonna tell you a little story. Now it's not much of a story, so don't be running to your literary agent friends tellin' 'em you've got a hot one! Heh heh. Nosiree, it's not that kind of a story. It's not a barnstormin' heartwarmer like The Horse Whisperer or The Bridges Of Madison County. This is a different kind of story. A brief and meaningful yet dull and pointless story. The kind you don't even want to spend any time with, as minimal a time as it might be. I'm gonna tell you the kind of ... read more

If I were the poetry guy in the Moody Blues, I'd totally write this poem: "Fear not, for Alice's malice is not callous - it would be a fallacy to believe that his chalice would leave you to grieve and conceive of darker days, windswept nights. Move to Dallas, live in a palace, forget where your gal is and along comes Alice, singing of the strange, the mystical journey through desolation and into The Word. So keep on breathing free, on the threshold of my peen."
(*flute solo*)

I hope ... read more

Because of the horribly important nature of this album (I mean, the man literally goes to HELL!!! They recorded half of the album in HELL!!! All the tapes kept melting and the backup singers were whores and executed murderers!!!), I knew I couldn't rely on my own common sense and poor taste to give you an adequate depiction of its many tasty morsels. As such, I went to the music message board I spend far too much time on (http://www.eboards4all.com/841116/ - Ask for it today!) and asked the ... read more

Broadway Presents "A Rock Album!"
Having split from his band due to creative differences (they wanted to play stripped down hard rock; Alice wanted to be an actor), the Coop (or "The Chicken Coop," as his fans called him) holed up in a shanty with the now-returned Bob Ezrin and guitarist Dick Wagner (or "Dick Wagger, Always Out There Waggin' His Dick," as his fans called him) to put together a big Las Vegas Variety Show for the world-famous macabre Alice Cooper ... read more

Alice Cooper has pulled a nilly-nally this time. You hear the album title and think, "Christ! He named the album after his dick!?" Then you hear the title track and he reassures you with the 'clever' chorus, "My heart's a muscle." But then you're playing it for your little five-year-old daughter and all her friends and suddenly they start giggling and you're all like, "What? He's singing about his heart!" but this one three-year-old toddler girl goes, "Did you ... read more