You know that candy Mentos, "The Freshmaker"? Well, they should've called this album Elimentosor because it's "The HITmaker!"

You know how Sherlock Holmes says "Elementary" whenever he solves a mystery? Well, they should've called this album Elementaror because it solves the mystery of HOW TO MAKE A GREAT ALBUM!

You know that old Sports Illustrated model Elle McPherson with the great big tits? Well, they should've called this album Ellemcphersonor because of all ... read more

It's true that on a scale of one to three, this would only get a three, which is a disappointingly low grade, but on a scale of one to ten, it gets a MUCH higher grade! Don't you like noise? Noise and pounding thwap-thwap-thwap drums? Anarchy, tension and release? People shouting "MUH!"? Then Dweezil's Ripped The Flesh Off My Corpse is your favorite Frank Zappa CD just as it is mine and everybody else's! Zany time signatures, NOISY free jazz, pounding bass grooviness, hammer-slamming ... read more

I'm going to review this one without even listening to it. Yay. Another Neil Young live double-CD. Look at all those hits. Wow. I can't wait to hear "Cortez The Killer" again. And with Crazy Horse, you just know there's gonna be lots of loose guitar rock action. Don't know why it has "Blowin' In The Wind" on it though. That's one of the worst songs Dylan ever wrote.

There. I'll listen to it now and if my listen reveals anything I wasn't expecting, I'll be sure and let you ... read more

Check this out! I just got an email from Cannibal H. Icebergs giving me this really terrific deal on Replica Watches! I mean, this guy has EVERYTHING - Louis Vuitton, Chronoswiss, Vacheron Constantin, you name it! Hell, Cannibal even has GIFT BOXES available! If you're interested, be sure and check out http://c7zmh2znz5iqtcuszucszcuu.nigrouskg.com/. But hurry -- with a catchy URL like that, Mr. Icebergs' Replica Watches are inevitably FLYING off the shelf!!!

Hoo boy. Okay. How does one ... read more

To a new keyboardist, that's where! (Read a few reviews back to find the question I'm answering here. Sorry about that) Long-haired classical virtuoso wizard Rick Wakeman takes over and suddenly the keyboard isn't just for background noise anymore! This guy can dang play. I mean, that beautiful middle piano bit from "South Side Of The Sky"; Tony Kaye couldn't have played that thing on a record!!!!!??? Sure, Tony had a groovy '60s vibe goin', but if Yes wanted to enter the '70s as an ... read more

This debut LP is Mr. Yankovic's most unique and outstanding musical effort to date. It is also his only full-length LP to focus chiefly on his accordian-playing abilities. He's got a back-up band with guitars (by Rick Derringer!), bass, and drums, but the accordion is the star of this record, and the main reason that it's so goshdarned entertaining time and time and time again. Yeah, he did parodies of popular songs, but he played them on his squeeze box, for Bob's sake! And they're actually ... read more

Something that most medical journals tend to ignore about gonorrhea is that it

This is the third XTC and, in the opinion of this lousy author, their finest creation of every times. Describe for me if you will the abrasive, hard-edged, intelligent, guitar-heavy approach to the pop song that they take on here.

Oh wait, that's what I'm supposed to be doing. Okay, there are almost no keyboards on this one, but TWO crankly scrakkle guitars intertwining in strange stereo- aided ways, a bass that ... read more

Play this double-disc set at your next party and you won’t hear any “Eccch!”s!
Recite that line out loud for somebody. They’ll TOTALLY get all confused and on the rag (if male). In my mind’s eye, I always think of X as “that band that had a few good albums” and go listen to Fear or the Circle Jerks instead because those bands put out endless streams of just really fuckin great albums like Oddities, Abnormalities, Curiosities And Not A Single Good Song ... read more

Okay, let's make first things clear. I'm not "Jim Rap" or "Bill Hip-Hop" or "Steve Breakdance Music," so I can't pontificate on the worthiness or unworthiness of a rapper's skills OH EXCUSE ME I MEAN "SKILLZ".

Actually I mean "grillz"; it's really hard for me to tell who has really nice braces and who just shoved a paper clip in their mouth (or mine, if you're referring to my crafty orthodontist of nine years). My point is that rap is basically ... read more

This is the album that made some people start calling Wire "Punk Floyd." It's exactly what you would expect a punk rock album by art students to sound like. First of all, it's completely rigid, with the bass, guitar and drums all sounding like one big fuzzy beautiful unit. Then there's the singer who just sounds like a deep art student spitting out his abstruse lyrics in a detached voice that just SCREAMS "pretentious." After that, there's the fact that the songs start, go ... read more

Well yes, the very first riff is stolen from The Dickies' "Give It Back," but (a) it's not even the best riff in the song, and (b) the rest of the album KICKS ABSOLUTE SONGWRITING EMOTIONAL UPTEMPO ROCK ASS. Plus, isn't it probable that The Dickies specifically wrote that song hoping that somebody would steal it, thus rendering its title ironic? I think that's most likely precisely the situation.

Before I forget to mention this, let me DEMAND that you go online or to The Tire Store ... read more

I was born in 1973, so in many ways I'd like to take credit for this album. I don't even care that they didn't name it Band On My Buns or Band Has The Runs like I suggested. All that matters is that this wonderful record is every bit as melodic, diverse, consistent and exciting as a Beatles album -- yet Paul did it all by himself! Most people thought he'd never make another great album without the help of his Beatles songwriting partner, but even without Stu Sutcliffe Paul's talent shines ... read more

.......this greatest hits compilation! The early Who (or "The High Numbers," for the cool ones among you) were a heavenly singles band! This stuff rocks like a TV dinner, but with unique melodies and harmonies that could only come from a mind as gifted as that of Mr. Peter Townshend (or John Lennon or Mick Jagger). I won't bother listing individual song titles 'cause they're all better than Foreigner, but I would like to point out that the three songs on here that you've never heard ... read more

For weeks, days and time before the release of this CD, Ween kept telling fans to expect "a really brown album!" I did so, and was thus somewhat astonished to find it one of the most "blue" albums I've heard in ages. Aside from the purposely jaunty "So Many People In The Neighborhood" and "Hey There Fancypants," this is EXTREMELY sad and thoughtful music. Everything falls apart from relationships to civilizations, the guitar tones are gorgeous and the ... read more

I'm not sure if I mentioned this, but each time you read one of my album reviews, your credit card is automatically charged $4.99. A few cheapskates who want everything done for them and delivered for free (I call them the "thieving MP3 generation") have asked for leniency, so I'm going to do you a favor and let me wife review Boner Machine. She only charges $1.75, so read all you want! She's heard the CD more times than I have anyway. I made her sell it years ago when I thought Tom ... read more

Another one of my childhood favorites! On this one, The Ventures actually succeed at sounding cool, NOT because of bland motorcycle riffs but because they put a lot of thought and energy into coming up with not only creative RIFFS, but creative approaches to the songs. For example, the Mosrite high-pitched sting-tone is back, but they've got it so overprocessed that it actually sounds GOOD. Listen to it stinging in the background of "Cookout Freakout On Lookout Mountain" - it's almost ... read more

Perfection. One of the funniest, smartest, tightest, fastest and catchiest punk rock albums I have ever heard in my life (and I've heard quite a few!). Every one of these 15 tracks is a fucking riot. The subject matterconcerns the annoyances of everyday life. The backdrop is high-speed Epitaph-type punk rock - not necessarily innovative, but always infectious as a groove. And the lyrics are incredible. Sharp, witty -- basically brilliant from beginning to end.

You need examples. Okay. There's ... read more

On this one, I proudly stand alone. Many a critic and fan have called this album a "misstep" or "goose egg" or "not a very good record," but it is easily my favorite of this band's many fine records. Every record they made with David Lee Roth should be considered a guitar rock classic, and I love them all, but I cannot deny that I find this underappreciated gem to be the tiniest bit more interesting than the others. And why? 'CAUSE IT'S SO FRIGGIN' DARK!!!!
Party ... read more

Combine two really good records and you get a great one! The lesser songs hardly make a dent in a collection this large, and the bonus tracks, "Eggs" and "Wichita Lineman" (maybe you've heard it by Glen Campbell?) are among the finest numbers they've ever performed! Truly bonus tracks, in every sense of the word. A couple of wonderwomanful photos of the combo will catch your pupil (and perchance your funny bone!) too. The longest, thickest, most probing, long-lasting, ... read more

Everything pop music should be. The guitars ring and chime with a gorgeous high-pitched clamour, the lyrics drip sticky sweet syrupy sentiments all over your leg, and Mark's voice finally sounds like it fits the music for a darn change! The whole package is just gorgeous in every way. The title track drags on forever, but it's hauntingly lovely, the interchangeable speed-pop attacks "Suki" and "Cherry Cream On" will keep your boogie foot a-tappin', while the totally ... read more