This is the one. This is it. Look no further. Your dreams have been answered, because this is where it all finally happens. Yes, this will be the greatest review I've ever written.

If only you knew the pain and Cimmerian shade I feel every year upon picking up Da Capo's Best Of Music Writing book, flipping through its doubtless brilliant observations by such famed musical thinkers as Dave Eggers, and finding the Prindle family name yet again in non-existence. That all ends now. The insight to ... read more

When I heard that Nick Cave was releasing an album of cover tunes, I literally shit a brick. Luckily I'm a construction worker so we just g

When I heard that Nick Cave was releasing an album of cover tunes, I couldn't have been more excited. Obviously it would have to include a few Boston songs, maybe some Meat Loaf - definitely one or two Styx classyx. Unfortunately, when the record came out, I was all like "John Lee Hooker? Tom Jones? Johnny Cash? Are you just making these names ... read more

Much like the legendary Dan Aykroyd/Eddie Murphy comedy Trading Places, this album finds the band's American South fixation "trading places" with its propensity for noisemaking, such that FHTE's two examples of 'negro & hillbilly music' here jump to a flapjackering six, leaving only the intense and hypnotic Elvis mythology "Tupelo" to recall the creepy moodmaking of the first record. Luckily, the band (a) bothered to write melodies for their 'colored and redneck' songs ... read more

If you're looking for a musical connection between the Bad Seeds and Einsturzende Neubauten, here it is. This seven-track wonder is filled tide to sand with loud percussive noises clanging, bashing, spring-sproinging, huff-puffing and chain-clanking in such a unique and evocative way that it takes several listens to realize that almost nothing happens in any of the songs. Most are content to simply breeze along for six minutes on a two-note bass line, some quiet trebly guitar, a couple of piano ... read more

Between 1978 and 1987, The Cars released six studio LPs. Aside from six songs co-written with keyboardist Greg Hawkes, Ric Ocasek wrote every song on all of those albums as well as his '82 and '86 solo albums. Then between 1991 and 2005, he released six more solo albums. Finally, in 2010, he realized that his latest batch of compositions sounded awfully Cars-esque. "What the Jimmy?" he decided. "I'll call up The Boys and put out an album people will actually buy!" ... read more

As evidenced by my adoration of Heartbeat City in spite of its corny overproduction, I don't much care how a record sounds if the melodies are good. But these songs ain't good. They're mostly dull ballads and slick '80s synth crap that doesn't come within a camel's hump of "Why Can't I Have You" or "I'm Not The One." Say! Remember when I compared Ric Ocasek's voice to that guy in The Cure? Well, doesn't the title "Why Can't I Have You" sound suspiciously like ... read more

Aaaaaahhhh....more like Heartbeat Shitty!!!!!
Nah, just kiddin'. As you may have already deduced by the nine cute little pictures of record albums hovering over these here words, I'm extremely fond of this release. It's very similar to the last one, but without the overlong stuff, and with more radio-ready classics. "You Might Think," "Hello Again," "Magic," "Drive," and "Why Can't I Have You" were all over the airwaves in 1984, in a slightly ... read more

Yes! The Cars shift their sound (and production values) just enough to qualify as a mature adult pop rock band. Aaaaahhh...the sweet sound of good music. Can't beat it, eh? Perhaps it's not exactly your cup of Steve, but I love this stuff. It's all so damn catchy! Have you heard "Since You're Gone?" Couldn't be a better album-starter, my word. And the title track? Like a new wave update of that rock and roll on the first album! What else? "Cruiser" rocks pretty dang hard for ... read more

UPDATE: In late 2006, I raised this grade up from a 6. Sure, "Don't Tell Me No" and "Down Boys" are dumb as dirt, "You Wear Those Eyes" features a pathetically lazy spoken verse, and "Touch And Go" wastes a brilliant lockstep rhythm riff and beautiful guitar solo on an otherwise ugly as sin song, but the warped spy theme "Panorama," punky "Gimme Some Slack" and "Getting Through," and awesomely brooding rockers "Running ... read more

Screw the line. This is completely new wave. Stiff bouncy Devo-ish rhythms, tons of silly keyboards, skinny ties...but man, if you're gonna get a new wave album, this is a good one! There are some normal pop rock songs - the godlike radio standards "Let's Go" and "It's All I Can Do," for example - but the majority of the songs are ridiculously bouncy electronic fun with stilted beats and Ocasek's wiggly vocal chords. But the song construction is excellent, with the band ... read more

Darn fine way to end a career.

Still completely guitar-centric, but this particular bunch of guys realizes that the best way to create unique material is NOT to dick around hoping that something interesting will come out, but to work to develop great guitar lines, then alter them just enough so that they sound like nuttin, honey, that you've ever heard before. Plus they do a wonderful job of locking right into both each other and the crazy, flop-and-bash drum style that runs throughout the ... read more

I can't believe that I would possibly complain about an album being too guitar-centric, but after the pleasing horny marimbatude of the last album, it's a total drag to go back to listening to the Captain shouting his sordid tales over a couple of annoyingly toned guitarists who seldom manage to pull together anything more than "two guys playing `CrAzEe!' things at the same time!" Way too much of this is just a couple of guitars jacking and clanging without any melodic or structural ... read more

I don't demand that the Captain (or anybody, for that matter) go back to creating the most insane, extraordinary style of music possible. But I do tend to appreciate when artists go out of their way to create songs that don't sound exactly like other songs that have already been written by other people. The problem with the Cap'n's Mercury records was that he was trying so hard to be commercial, he was purposely filling all the songs with musical cliches in hopes of becoming a pop star. Having ... read more

Yipes! More generic FM radio "potential hit material," all full of bland blues/rock riffs, sappy (though actually quite lovely) balladry, endless Clapton-style by-the-numbers guitar solos and the Captain going so far as to actually SING a few of these songs - in a normal, non-gruff voice! It wasn't what his audience wanted, and radio programmers weren't too keen on it either - probably because, even by lameass coked-up 1974 standards, there are only three truly "strong" ... read more

A very low 5. Holy christ, is this a stinky. This was the Captain making "normal music" in an attempt at finally making some money. It mostly sounds like really bland (and occasionally truly awful) Southern rock, with Beefheart actually "singing" in his disgusting phlegmy Bob Seger voice. Just from looking at the cover, you can tell that he's not being genuine with this one - in his photo, he's squeezing fistfuls of money, and one of the lines in the ridiculous cover text is ... read more

Well, now that that's out of the way, let's go back to making NNNNNOOOOOORRRRMMMMAAAALLLLL music! GranTed (Nugent), normal Beefheart is wildass Canned Heat, but I'm talking comparisons here. Apples and oranges. Ever heard that Pink Floyd song? Catchy. "Pass the butter please! Too doo doo doo doo!" But now I'm all confused, see. Because the guitar interplay on this album is incredible - astonishing. Sometimes it sounds like three or four guitars at once! So WERE there actually two ... read more

Mellow and quirkily soulful, this LP seems to be more influenced by the Stax/Volt R'n'B sound (Booker T and the MGs, Eddie Floyd, etc) than old-fashioned blues. But slowed way down, like the whole band has drunk too much magical sleeping potion. The guitarist gots some great vibrato goin', the bassist is bendin' strings and laying low like a funky monkey, The Beefman is doin' his thing and rippin' out the ol' butt harmonica, and Ed Marimba is playing a mean marimba like only a member of the ... read more

Stylistically similar to the last one with the important differences of being only a single album and having (or at least appearing to have) only one guitar. As such, the guitar and bass are in separate speakers and the instrumental interplay and overall sound is much thicker and bassier. This is excellent for all those folks who loved the challenging nature of Trout Mask but were turned off by the noodly wiry high-twangin' guitars. Actually, I don't even know if such people exist. But if they ... read more

I wanna send a shoutout to all my homeys in the Music Babble Posse - Booyaa! That means you, Martin Teller! BAMM! I'm talkin' at CHU, Mistah Matt Reyes! Keep on enjoyin' that Weezer, mah man! And how's ol' Auberon Suger? A man that calls a SPADE a SPADE! And I haint forgettin' you, muthafuqqin' Oliver. Nick Leu! This is fah you, Nick Leu! And don't be shittin' on The D-Man! The D-Man's got the D-Plan, homeslice! But don't forget the STAR of our STIN, Mister Gee-YOR-Gee! Stray Toasters ... read more

The man and band began as a semi-normal clan for the fans, Jan. This album sounds like one of those "lost classics" from the 60s that you read about in books by Richie Unterberger (man, could I go for a Richie Unterberger right now - NO ONIONS!). Along with the Beefeater, lead guitarist Ry Cooder totally sets a "bLLLLUES" tone with his stinging slide guitar, but the music itself covers a surprisingly wide variety of sounds. There's Animals-style blues-based rock, some acid ... read more