Help!

I've been politely asked by those in the know to please, EIGHT YEARS AFTER I WROTE THE REST OF THIS PAGE YOU ARE NOW READING, give a firm fresh listen to the original British releases of Help!, Rubber Soul and Revolver as reissued on CD some time in the last ten years or so when I wasn't paying attention. I'm nothing if not a go-dooder, so I've done just that. First up is Help! by The Beetles. Instead of being half-instrumental crap, this original version instead gives you "You Like Me Too Much," "Tell Me What You See," and "Dizzy Miss Lizzie" (which you can find on America's VI album), "Act Naturally" and "Yesterday" (which ended up on America's Yesterday...And Today), and "I've Just Seen A Face" and "It's Only Love," which strangely would end up on Rubber Soul in America. Hmm. You already know something or other about this CD, but let me just note a few things that I'd never known about it, having previously heard these songs neither on crisp digital disc nor all together like this rather than spread across four fucking albums for no reason at all.
First of all, is my dick turning green or was Paul the least creative bass player in the world at this point in their career? Every goddamned line he plays is a variation on the same exact silly little up-down up-down piece of shit! So that's the first thing I noticed. I also noticed that there are a lot of sexy percussion instruments in these songs that I'd never heard before. A cowbell and assloads of cymbal crashing in "Dizzy Miss Lizzie"! A shaky egg thing in "I've Just Seen A Face"! Not only a clackity wood stick but also a "eeeeck-ick-ick eeeck-ick-ick" scrapy wooden fish in "Tell Me What You See"! Tap dance-style drumstick tapping in "Act Naturally"! Latin rhythm bongos in "You're Gonna Lose That Girl"! The only percussion I'd ever heard on my vinyl American releases was a hep little "kiiiihhhhhh" crackling noise through every song. Granted, it was bitchass, but this stuff is even BUTTER!

I imagine I'd noticed this aspect before too, but had just never paid much attention to it -- George sure does like to dick around on lead guitar, doesn't he? Just playing bullshitty stinging licks left and right over the acoustic and electric rhythm guitars. Sometimes melodic, but sometimes just yeech! I think Paul played lead guitar on a few of these though, so don't blame the late Mr. Harrison for all of his mistakes. Elsewise, I of course couldn't help but notice the lads' always gorgeous vocal harmonies, used in nine of these fourteen tracks. And vocal melodies? CHRIST the vocal melodies! "We said our goodbyyy-yy-y--y--yyyes! Love was in your eyy-yy-yy--yyyes!" You know? "Here I stand, head in hand, turn my face to the wall..." You know? "I know you'll never leave me and it's true - 'Cuz you like me too much and I like you!" You know? Uno? Pizza Uno? I eat there a few times a week! Ask for me by name! They call me "The Peanut Man." Well, the guy who got fired for getting drunk during his shift did.

I'm 31 now though, and was ready and geared to hate ANYTHING on this CD that I didn't honestly enjoy for anything but nostalgic reasons. This only happened three times though! I've honestly NEVER been particularly thrilled with George's ugly volume-pedal cocksuckery in "I Need You" (though the middle eight is very lovely) or John's cutesy girl group homage "You're Gonna Lose That Girl," but what I found REALLY surprising was my early-twenty-first-century discovery that "Yesterday" is one boring as shit ballad! Does the government know about this? How on Earth did that thing become the "most covered song in rock and roll history"? Because it was lush and bland enough for Beatles' fans' parents to enjoy? It's just so middle-of-the-road and nondescript! Okay, the middle eight is quite pretty, but the basic motif comes across as emotionless as "Here, There and Everywhere" or "The Long And Winding Road." And where are the blastbeats?

POSTSCRIPT FROM SEVERAL, SEVERAL DAYS LATER: I just listened to Paul McCartney's re-recording of "Yesterday" on the Give My Regards To Broad Street soundtrack and actually found it quite lovely. It must just be the original Beatles recording and George Martin orchestration that I find bland after all these years. So ignore the whole bit about your parents' blastbeats.

So that's my "as of this moment" opinion of the actual as-intended British Help!. I find eleven of the tracks almost ass-blindingly fantastic (did I mention that wicked spy-surf guitar arpeggiation behind the "Won't you please please help me?" lyric? MAN! Somebody should loop that over and over for five minutes and write an insane song about being insane! Or how about that brilliant classical guitar interplay intro to the hardcore folk punker "I've Just Seen A Face"? Where the hell did THAT come from!? And did you notice that the guitar solo in that song just imitates the vocal melody? That's because they were directly plagiarizing "Smells Like Teen Spirit"). And that's my review. Good night!

No wait! One other thing: I hereby declare "You Like Me Too Much" (featuring electric piano and Steinway) to be the most wonderful bubblegum pop song ever written by George Harrison. I don't really have the authority to make declarations like that though, so it's pretty much meaningless.

Oh! One other thing I noticed for the first time -- that wickedass bass+rhythm guitar drone smacking on the root note during the verse of "Ticket To Ride." And what's up with that crazy clunk-clunk-clunk beat Ringo's playing? Was he looking for his cat? Oh, The Beatles. Even today in their old age, they still have so much to offer when you hear them again for the first time!