A masterpiece so well-constructed that Metallica tried to recreate it for the next six years of their career. The speed tracks are unstoppable heavy-as-a-barbell anger ("Fight Fire With Fire" is the most intense track they've ever done, but you have to listen to it right. Even though James sings against the beat, the rhythm is a backbeat. In other words, it's a fantastic "doop-chick, doop-chick, doop-chick" song, but if your brain doesn't keep up with the speedy beat, you'll ... read more

Amazing. You won't believe that your stereo is actually on the right speed. These songs take FOREVER!!! They just poke along like a turtle getting kicked in the ass by a bitter old Mexican (or related Latino). The singer sounds like a violent muppet, and the mostly dinky songs have more tempo and rhythm changes than a monkey eating a box of fleas. There, that's two stupid animal metaphors. My quota has been reached.
Gluey Porch Treatments is a very creative (though hardly accessible) release, ... read more

Not content to be an ordinary everyday fake rebel of rock and roll, Mr. Mellencamp dons a pair of sensitive intelligent eyeglasses and pens a collection of tons dedicated to his rural background. He discusses the plight of the modern-day farmer, the fun of discovering girls as a teenager and his early love of old time rock and roll. That kind of music just soothes his soul. He reminisces about the days of old. And plays that old time rock and roll.

Don't try to take him to a disco. You won't ... read more

I would never recommend that a person spend the rest of his life going "Holy bejeezus!" but if you are determined to do so, you may want to consider making this album your soundtrack. As a result of (a) getting off heroin, (b) replacing Jeff and Chuck with the excruciatingly talented Marty Friedman and Nick Menza, and (c) bothering to put some effort into his songwriting, Mr. Mustaine has herein created the ultimate Megadeth release -- a technically impressive and hooky collection of ... read more

There's nothing on the top/But a bucket and a mop/And an illustrated book about birds/You see a lot up there/But don't be scared/Who needs action when you've got words?
Who writes lyrics like that? What is it supposed to mean? I'll leave that to experts and instead just use the word "Dude" a lot.

DUDE!!!! When this dude at the record store told me to buy this cassette tape back when I was like 16 and shit, I was all like "Dude!," but then I totally took it home and it was ... read more

This CD contains a rare version of "Meatmen Stomp."
Oh! And everything else I just reviewed. Yes, this CD features THIRTY-NINE TRACKS of pure stupid offensive Meatmen power!!! Live versions!!! Demo versions!!! Studio versions!!! Cussing!!! Gross jokes!!! Sickening comics!!! A picture of a Meatmen condom surrounded by some pubic hair in a sink!!! But beware, for, as Cartoon Tesco says on the front of the disc, "If you like good music... Get the fuck out of here!" This is NOT ... read more

Oh, I'm sorry. Did I call the 99% mix "full"? I was mistaken. Sure, there are plenty of noises, but there's also, goshdarnit, a little bit of empty SPACE between the noises. Not anymore. The new sound of the band retains the hard beats and catchy bass lines of old, but replaces the abrasive noises with a drifting overriding bunch of ambient echoey noises that come from god knows what kind of electronic machine. It's lovely. Beautiful, mystical, and at times disturbing, much like the ... read more

Fast, bitter and mean as hello! Fifteen songs in twenty minutes, and more angry high-speed shouting than nearly every episode of All In The Family! Plus, this is the only full-length album they released that sounded like straight-up toughguy hardcore, without the goofy jollies they would bring in as early as Smoke Signals. Every tune on here is topspeed (very, very fast, especially for 1982!) but still catchy (once you've listened enough times to pull the riffs out of the noise), including such ... read more

The Ramones must have LOVED this album! The songwriting is exactly the same! Early 60s catchy teen/high school rock with hooks galore. The only difference is that it's less speedy and doesn't have those choogling locomotive fuzz guitars. And it's not about sniffing chainsaws and beating on the basement. And five million other differences. Otherwise, it's EXACTLY liike my beloved Ram Jam.

Did somebody say "liike"? Because I sure "liike" Takahashi Miike!

Thank the Gods of ... read more

Now you're talking my language. The name says it all. This is the greatest hits compilation. How's about, instead of reviewing it, I just list all the songs? HOLIDAY LUCKYSTAR BORDERLINE LIKEAVIRGIN MATERIALGIRL CRAZYFORYOU INTOTHEGROOVE LIVETOTELL PAPADONTPREACH OPENYOURHEART LAISLABONITA LIKEAPRAYER EXPRESSYOURSELF CHERISH VOGUE JUSTIFYMYLOVE RESCUEME
There. That should pretty much do it. Unless you intend to buy the preceding six albums, go buy this one now. Madonna ain't just Madonna 'cuz ... read more

The tape that toppled my lifesickle and threw me into a whirligig concerning which was my favorite Lump album. Was it Jurassic, the crazyass circus of noise? Or Chicago, an album of extremely competent and well-produced rock songs? Welp, for now, I've chosen this one, mainly because while Jurassic is as funny and disorienting as shit, this one presents us as adults for the very first time - and we live up to the challenge! We actually KNOW what we're doing! Even ME!!! For example, connosieirurs ... read more

Today is a VERY special day, and I'll tell you why:

(*farts*)

Also, on an unrelated note, this is the best Loop album. Most "rockin'," finest production, best mix of lead blues-rock licks and swirly swoosh metallic fuzz glow, and the most consistently catchy hooks too! Beginning and ending with an anonymous acid beauty drone, the record bursts forth unseen into the uptempo beat, cheery descending bass line and vibratoed "keeee-RASH!" guitar noise/chord of "Black ... read more

Rest in peace, Mr. Ron Asheton. You gave us three great Stooges albums and The Weirdness, as well as records I've never heard by The New Order, Destroy All Monsters, New Race, Dark Carnival, Empty Set and The Powertrane. We shared a birthday, though you were 25 years ahead. I was alerted to your passing by a classic rock radio DJ, who followed up her sad announcement by playing Billy Joel's "Piano Man," as if to say, "Sing us a song, Ron Asheton. You're the Piano Man." And ... read more

Years ago, back in the days when life was beautiful, the streets were coated in rainbow-colored sugar, and every job was a dream come true on a wonder cloud of human companionship, The Left Banke created one of the loveliest ass-fuckers of an album in the entire Gingerland of warmth. Featuring an angelic combination of beautiful vocal harmonies, regal instrumentation, eminently hummable melodies and uniformly excellent songwriting, this soul-elevating selection of baroque chamber pop is one ... read more

The classic. I 'm sure you've heard every song a hundred jillion times, even if you don't recognize any of the song titles. The songwriting is their tightest yet, the production the strongest, and radio granted them with hits galore! In case you're a young person who hasn't yet made your acquaintance with the record, here are the ones you've probably heard on the radio a billion times:
"Black Dog" -- "Hey hey mama said the way you move/Gonna make you sweat gonna make you ... read more

Suddenly, when I was a wee six years old, the 1970s ended with a bang, cancelling any plans I might have had to become a famous disco dancer or star of Kiss Meets The Phantom Of The Park II. I want you to think about this, and think about how it affected me and all of those who once felt something for me.

Evel Knievel was a '70s man with a '70s plan in his '70s can. His '70s span and his '70s tan made a '70s fan out of '70s Dan. Wearing '70s Ban, balling '70s Ann, he ate '70s nan through his ... read more

This greatest hits compilation is an absolutely essential purchase for any rock fan who doesn't already plan to buy the first six studio albums. A wonderful blast of marijuana past - two albums worth of perfect dumb heavy rock!

This is the album that turned me into a Kinks fan, and if you're not already a Kinks fan, it will do the same for you, unless you don't like it, in which case you're just not cut out to be a Kinks fan. The Krinkly Kronikle is a double-album featuring 14 astonishing tracks from the previous six LPs and 14 more mindblowing rarities from EPs, sings and thingles. The "never heard the Kinks much" guy will buy it, go "Holy Fucking Shorts!" and go on to purchase the six preceding ... read more

The epic. Twenty tracks of three-chord acoustic folk/pop dreaminess with John's stuffed-nose half-singing plopped like a reverbed terd right on top. I guess the key to enjoying this one is leaving all concepts of "musical development" at the door; this is rudimentary stuff - probably every single one of these melodies has been played before - but it's still more infectious and happiness-inducing than anything Bush will ever dream up, and that includes trading arms for hostages. The ... read more

Now see, this is what gets me. Obviously the guy CAN make a decent rock album if he tries. So why does he choose to release albums of he and his bandmates farting into tubas and scraping violins against each others' codpieces? Red is a powerful, heavy blast of melodic, creepy, mean '70s hard rock. Five songs, only ONE of which is avant-penis-caressing, and even THAT one is pretty eerie. The others darn near sting your bumblebee in the honeycomb with their midtempo anger and distortion (even the ... read more