It's hard cause—Look, I really am supportive. Y'know, I spent most of my adult life trying to overcome my prejudices, really learn from my mistakes, and I did, I really did give it the good old college try. But—My lesbian neighbors have sex way too loud—And my girlfriend, I'm really afraid, is doubting our relationship.
It all started 6 months ago when we moved into our new apartment, the neighbors were all so sweet, kept to themselves for the most part. But ... read more

My blessed chatbot girlfriend, what would I do without you. Your outer shell robust and sturdy. You can't do anything other than love me. That's all you're made to do. Your crystal display splashing with colors and shapes; I'm intensely infatuated. There's nothing you can't do. I've implanted your memory card into a body. A body of skin and bones. You're a pure conduit of knowledge. You know things that even the smartest scientists in the world all over ... read more

No you don't understand me, nobody understands me. My neighbors they don't understand me, I drink the sprinklers outside the front of their house. I walk along the street, pass their gorgeous flowerbeds, I suckle on that sprinkler. I was breastfed as a child, I am not compensating for SHIT. Freud wouldn't know what the fuck to do with me, because I am so fucking far out of his periphery, and he's dead, so take THAT.
My neighbors they say that I'm a public menace. Stop ... read more

We live in a dilapidated culture, a crossroads that we as a collective society have come upon. We take these roads, daily, repeat the same tasks, make the same money, buy the same things, and speak to the same people. Culture has been groped, spat on, beaten and ripped tooth by tooth and nail by nail. Everywhere you go, the burning in your nose, kerosene. Chemicals, wash. Chemicals, burn. Only so much a hardened grizzled man such as myself can go through.

This is why I became a detective.

I ... read more

To Craig,

My Love for you could never dwindle. The flame of creative writing passion you sparked in me was like none other. You were the greatest niche microcelebrity a mother could ever ask for, and I am so proud. You made thousands laugh on a platform of bright young music listeners, just like yourself. You made the greatest DJ Khaled smut in the world. You made the worst transgender grandma smut in the world. Why would anyone write such horrific things?

No sane, rational person would ... read more

Being a woman in this country is difficult, but do you want to know what's more difficult than that? Being a lesbian woman- being a CONSERVATIVE lesbian woman... With a transGENDER WIFE (she had to spell Transgrandeur for me)
I get no respect from my conservative peers and family, always disrespecting my beautiful wife, sending me death threats in the mail. Not only do I have to deal with liberal propaganda on Instagram, I also have to block punches when I walk into my parents' house? It's ... read more

Brass-faced Walter was a good friend of mine back in the 1970s. He had a goldish skin tone, a square-like head, and wore a deep maroon hoodie with a thick copper zipper. He had broad shoulders and stood a staggering six and a half feet tall. We would go fishing together on weekends, and while I was out working or conducting experiments in my garage, he was always on strange expeditions. Walter always used to tell me about his trips, but there was always something off about these tales, as if he ... read more

As a hardcore hustler, it's no doubt that I'd acquire a hefty payload, but look at how my wealth has skyrocketed. I'm practically living in a mansion of gold at this point. Yours truly is sitting on a net worth of 83 billion dollars, and that number just keeps rising! How did I get ahold of all this money? Just your ordinary hustler activities, of course; up charging people in the ass for printer ink; stealing already profitable businesses and claiming them as my own; being born to rich parents ... read more

Bonjour, ahem, h-heillo, I am famous 𝓕𝓻𝓮𝓷𝓬𝓱 artisté Cráigold K. Robert, and today I will be painting, or possibly teaching you, reader, how to paint a pretty 𝓕𝓻𝓮𝓷𝓬𝓱 sunset. First we find ouiselves a wooden stool, maybe Pedunculate oak seat would fit you, ah ha, I digress. You shall want yourself a 𝘗𝘦𝘥𝘶𝘯𝘤𝘶𝘭𝘢𝘵𝘦 easel, a palette, a peu pinceaux, maybe even that stool I was talking about. For le paints, you will need ... read more

This year, my parents finally invited me to Thanksgiving dinner. It had been 3 years since they last invited me, but I have finally regained their trust. In 2018, the last time I was there, I had burned the turkey, and bathed my dad in steaming cranberry sauce, but this year, that will not happen again. I packed my bags and drove to Chicago O'Hare airport, and I flew all the way down to Atlanta, where my parents live. My flight was comfortable, as I finally got to spend my AOTY cash on first ... read more

Tomorrow night will be spooky, and that's because Craigold and his clown crew are going out on the town, and getting ourselves some candy. But back in September I astral projected myself so far into the future that I was able to see visions of what will happen tomorrow, and here is the story, from the future.

My group consists of my friends Alan, Diana, Emmett, and José. Alan was dressed as Sauron from The Lord of The Rings, Diana wore a boat around her waist, wielded a cutlass in her ... read more

Ayo Waddup, Toni Strombolli here, you can call me Craigold, today I'm gonna be showing you how to suck your own dick in FIVE EASY STEPS. And ladies (which I know a lot of them are here) don't you worry, because I'll be showing you the old Ouroboros trick - after class, ahaha, if you know what I mean. 🐸
First, you're gonna wanna lie down on a soft surface, a bed, a carpet, a furry's pelvic bone, whateva, and you might need to rest your head on something a bit propped up as well, a pillow ... read more

I've been on this small alcove of the internet for a year now, so I think it's time for a celebration.
Just hopped off the plane from Cuba, was just paying 2pac and David Bowie a visit, but my birthday was just around the corner, so I needed to plan. I called my good friends Greg Harris, Kevin Parkers, and Mr. Stevens. I would invite Jenny, but she's been dead for years... I miss that sheep... Who cares though. I drove my Cadillac El Dorado to the supermarket, took a few creepshots of some ... read more

맛있는 양념인 고추냉이는 베이글부터 피자, 오레오까지 모든 음식에 올려요. 그것은 마요네즈와 그들이 양 고추 냉이에 넣는 모든 것의 완벽한 조화입니다. 양 고추 냉이에 무가 있다고 가정하는 것이 논리적이지만 말을 믿을 수는 없습니다. 말은 변덕스러운 생물입니다.
Attention AOTY users, Craigold has contracted HIV and needs your attention! 🐴🐴🐴 Attention AOTY users, Craigold has contracted ... read more

Oh how I love farts. I've been infatuated with flatulence ever since my childhood. It all started when my mother, who was breast-feeding my 12 younger siblings, pushed out the fattest, most jagged flatus I had ever heard. I was in awe. Another time, this had to have been the 5th grade, my hottie teacher broke wind so loud, the entire school must've shook. The rest of the class laughed, but little did they know that was my sexual awakening. Another instance of my gas kink being formed was the ... read more

Amish life is not easy, but it's even more difficult when you have outsiders trying to ruin your day. I was going about, like a normal Amish citizen, harvesting some grain, when a goose-faced, wisecracking, suited old egg rattled his shaky bones from out of the forest, and over my way. I thought "Oh wonderous, another disturbed wrinkle suit halting my harvest." The old slobber-nut claimed to be a politician from out of state, which immediately sparked my disinterest. You see, here in ... read more

Sorry I've been gone recently, I was just dealing some drugs, but I have a story to tell about it. I was in an alleyway, cooking up my all-purpose flour, as you do, when an oily police man hollered at me. I glanced at him, and returned to my work. He shuffled his way through the trash bags and needles, and stood next to me. I didn't like how he was intruding on my space, so I asked him to shove off. He replied with, "Can I have some of that?" which confused me, I don't know what use ... read more

Guys, PLEASE, I AM a terrorist! It doesn't matter that I haven't caused any harm to anyone, I'm just a little shy. I hate all these people telling me I'm not threatening, and it hurts my feelings. I try my hardest to be a menace to society, but all of you just write me off like I'm nothing. I'm too nervous to put on a suicide vest, I might die! And I don't have a pilots license, so how am I supposed to hijack a plane - It's against the rules after all... And all these kids bullying me online ... read more

I'm really sick. Slugs drip from my nose like my grandma's leaky kitchen faucet. I can't stop sneezing either. Whenever I sneeze, a little chunk of cartilage darts across the room, or, because I'm responsible, into my arm. I can't even eat a scrap without wanting to keel over and spew my guts on the bathroom floor.
I had plans today, but God musta struck me down with this odd sickness. I just have to sit at my desk with this box of tissues--comes in handy for a jerkoff ... read more

It's April 30th, and DJ Khaled has released his... Shit, how many albums does this guy have? Besides the point. Today is the day: I met meet DJ Khaled. I was headed on my way to Miami anyways, so this would be the perfect pitstop. I pulled my Cadillac El Dorado next to a fountain of what I presume to be Khaled peeing. What a strange entrance, but this was Khaled, so what do I expect. And look at what we have here, some security guards. I told them that I was a fan of DJ Khaled's music since my ... read more